#idk i saw a positivity post on my dash and i know it meant well but it was also like

[indimlights]

✨Merry christmas Cille✨

To: @birthdaysentiment 💛

-> From: @indimlights (Rodrigo)

Hi Cille! I guess it's up to me to kick off this "little" surprise but I don't even know where to start...

I remember really well the first time I saw a post of yours, I was still lurking back then and the moment I read it I felt so many things, things I don't know how to describe and that I never thought words could make me feel and I knew, I just knew that I had to see more. Fast-forward a couple of hours I knew your blog by heart, I had looked at so many of your posts and every single one was as amazing as the first one, as touching as the first one and as deep as the first one.

The meaning you put on words still gets to me every single day, you have such a way into them and don't even get me started on your music analysis. The moment I read the first one I was mind-blown! The things you catch, the connections you make between the music and the scene, the way you describe the scenes, it makes me go back, relive the moment and feel everything I felt the first time I watched it and all this just by... reading your words! If that doesn't tell me how amazing you are with them I don't know what will.

From that day I always wished I could talk to you, get to know the person behind the words, behind the masterpieces, behind the blog because you seemed like such a sweet person and now... After some time, I got that chance and I'm so happy I got it. You are everything I thought you would be and 1000x more, you are sweet, caring, smart, loving, wise, joyful and so supportive to me and to everyone in this community! You always spread love and that's so important and so nice of you to do, the way you write essays in the tags for everyone's posts just shows that! It's such a simple thing but means so much.

And I'm not even mentioning how talented you are with non-written posts because those are on another level aswell, I mean you always surprise me with your ideas and creativity and just knowing that whenever I come here I will have some sort of attack waiting for me just keeps me going and I love everything you do so much.

I'll never be able to thank you enough for being so welcoming when I barely knew anyone and for making me feel so much more comfortable here! Getting to know you better and to share this experience with someone like you has been a blessing and I wouldn't change any second of it, thank you for everything you have done and for always being so sweet to me. I don't understand what I did to deserve all that but that just shows again how wonderful you are.

I'm wishing you a merry christmas! Surrounded by everyone you love and that makes you happy because you deserve that and so much more, please never change, never stop being like this, a special and wonderful person. I hope you enjoy this surprise :) Have a wonderful day Cille 💛

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-> From: @remy3010 (Remy)

Hihi Cille❤ I love your blog so much especially music analysis! I just fall in love with your music analysis since your first posts.

For me whose mother tongue is not English, it takes a while to read but I'd love to. Because these articles deserve more people to see (including me)！

I have read every article of yours, the content touches me all the time. (Sometimes I have a lot of words want to tell you, But I don’t know how to speak in English..sorry🥺so I give❤ and reblog)

Anyway, thank you for writing beautiful words and sharing with us! I hope you can keep this passion forever, and everything go well. May you have wonderful days my friend ❤

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-> From: @franboos (Francine)

hi bb cille,

wanted to tell u that i love u blog and the time u put into analyzing stuff is shhshdhdhdhd. queen shit. u seen so genuine to talk to idk, i get those nice, non judgmental, relaxed and cool vibes from u. lmao. pls stay on tumblr for as long as u can cuz i love ur posts. u notice such little things in clips from wtfock, like u have a very detailed eye miss hehe. i really want to get to know u more cuz i really think we could vibe v well together, and that’s on perioood 😌. i hope u have a great great day while reading this queen. never stop what you’re doing cuz ur great at it. i love you !!

many kusjes and knuffels*,

fran

(*knuffels means hugs but also stuffed animal in dutch, did u know that? otherwise now u do, nice isn’t it)

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-> From: @dagcutie (Pauline)

hey hey cille!!

I must admit i’m very much a fan of you and your blog

first of all, your posts? chefs kiss!! i mean your music analysis are amazing and so on point, your photo edits are always perfect and the colorings are so beautiful, your long text posts 'drabble/headcanon style' are so cute and always makes me so soft and emotional...

your love for black and white? that’s a big yes!! anyways everything you do is perfect!!

also can we take a moment to appreciate your person? i think we can and we must do it..

you’re always so supportive and kind, all the nice tags you let under peoples creations are so sweet!! I also could cry about how cute you are always leaving lovely messages to people inbox or coming randomly to them to say something nice.. you’re the most beautiful soul and a blessing for this fandom!! please never stop being you!! ily a lot, sending you all my love and i wish you an amazing day<3

knus og kys til dig💛✨

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-> From: @allee-sander (Tanya)

Cille, you are an amazing person. you are so kind and loving. every time i see you on my dash, my face lights up. you are a literal angel. you are loved and appreciated, never forget that.

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-> From: @tsjernobyl (Emma)

Cille, you are a genuinely kind and loving soul who's just on this site to talk about the things you love and spread a little joy and everyone can tell that the moment they go onto your blog. i've seen you be nothing but lovely to everyone you interact with and it's a real honor to be mutuals with you and interact from time to time. You are always one of the sweetest and most supportive people here, and i hope you feel that love flowing back to you at all times because you always have my warmest wishes and love!!!!!

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-> From: @dreamaur (Ann)

How does it feel to be so cool and sweet and supportive??? I love you and your mind and how you see so many details and capture them so well with words,,,queen keep going with your top tier analysis and text posts that make me emotional everything single time

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-> From: @annonymannonym (Alice)

Where do I even begin ummm ... well words may not be enough to describe such angelic human being that Cille is but today is about her *about you Cille* !♡! Honestly I’m so so happy and honoured and so grateful to have meet and know you and come along your blog and your amazing posts and edits , let’s s not forget about the masterpiece that your analysis is cuz I live for every single one of them ! Always so on point and touchy and so so emotionally, they give you a whole new perspective and point of view and helps you connect with the person that goes throught those feelings , helping you understand so much deeper the feelings and the emotions he experience in that right moment( so thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking your time and writing these it really shows how much passion and love you put on making these! they absolute helped me to understand and feel much more the meaning behind all these little moments you captured so so well and wonderful ! ) You’re always such a blessing here so lovely friendly so goodhearted and sooo on ... < insert here all the good compliments in the world > cuz they all applies to you ! Know that you’re so special and such a light a sunshine wherever you are and go , you always spread so much positivity and good energy and love and compassion and you support every single people your way comes along with and you shown so much respect and love and understanding ! Always with a wise and thoughtful mind and with the right words at you using them with so much care and mining fullness ! And your blog i love love love it the b&w aesthetic and your love for it owns my heart !! I adore your posts so much ( or ramblings or thoughts as you may call them but know they are so so much more than that its a way of yours to express yourself and open up and pour every feeling you experience and many people found themselves and feel with you , I find myself in them and resonate with them every time ! ahh and your tags that you write in every post are sooo sweet and cute i could read them all day long just coming on your blog and read them makes my day so much better ) they are such a good way to brighten your day and they put a smile on my face whenever i see you on my dash truly a blessing to have you here! Never forget how unique and special human being you are and every one who has you in their lives are very blessed to have you ! Never change being this beautiful inside and out but most importantly inside ! literally a tresure your soul is and must be protected at all cost so take very good care of it ! Don’t forget to always do what makes you happy and gives joy and peace and just you know that good feeling you have in your chest and heart whenever you do something you love and like with passion and joy. I could say so much more but maybe I’ll repeat myself cuz there are never enough compliments to say about how wonderful person you are! you deserve every single one of them ! I really meant every word i said from the bottom of my heart and know that i really apreciate and love all you do and I’ll be here to support you anytime! You deserve the absolute world and more!! love you Cille! ♡ Okey bye✿

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-> From: @robbesdriesen (Bianca)

Cille ~ such a lovely presence to see on my dash always!! Your support towards everyone in the fandom is more than appreciated and so is your love that you continuously aim to spread <3

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-> From: @happilyinsane (Dharaa)

Hey Cille 💕

Just wanted to say that I think you are really sweet and lovely. I see you everywhere on the tumblr. Wanna thank you for keeping this fandom alive during the drought and keep us entertained. I see your tags on people's posts and I always feel like you are so kind and sweet to spend your time appreciating people's work. Doesn't matter if its a photo or an edit or whatever. You are so nice to pay attention to everyone individually. You are such a good friend/mutual, always appreciating and sliding into their asks and just making their day a lil bit better. You definitely bring so many smiles on our faces. I am sure everyone is very thankful to have you in this fandom, I know I am.

I know we haven't interacted that much but thank you for sliding into my asks and giving me an opportunity to interact with you. You are the sweetest, baby. And I hope you like this whole thing that Rodrigo is doing, because you definitely deserve it. Keep lighting up our dashes with your posts, pls. Ilysm 💕

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-> From: @alwaysaneverland (Sarah)

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-> From: @theflowerisblue (Lola)

Cille! You’re such a present part of the tag! You’re always interacting and posting and I love reading what you have to say. Your music analysis are so interesting and I also think you’re really funny! I love your black and white aesthetic and most of all I love how supportive and positive you’re towards everyone!

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-> From: @fvae (Fae)

hi cille!! I'm really glad to have met you through this fandom and I hope you like the surprise!! I loved to read your song analysis because they're always on point and well thought of👌 💯  and your edits!! *chef's kiss*

sending you lots of love and hugs 💕💖💫

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-> From: @embeddedinmybrain (Tasfia)

Hi Cille! You are just a ray of sunshine!! And you are the sweetest and kindest person here. I loved following through with your wtfock music analysis posts bc everything you felt is exactly what I felt. They made me really emotional!! And of course I (and Sarah and Fae) appreciate your tags for moyo season so much. We wait for them and we read them to each other and we just love seeing your reactions to it. Your edits are incredibly amazing too and I love the colouring in them. You are just an amazing sweetheart and I’m so glad to know you 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕

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-> From: @veerledejaegers (Soph)

Cille, you are very friendly and sweet, always insightful and seem like an incredibly lovely person that i hope i can get to know better ❤️(also love the black and white aesthetic)

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-> From: @sanderxrobbee (Semri)

Cilleeeeeeeeeeee loml!!!! Merry Christmas to you! I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope you get to spend all the holidays in the best way possible! You’re such a blessing to this fandom because you’re talented in every single way, whether it’s your writing or your godly Photoshop skills, oh and let’s not forget your dedication because you’re there all the time to brighten our days and make us smile. I haven’t known you for long, but I truly love and appreciate all you do and I’m grateful that you always take the time to compliment everything and everyone. You have no idea how much it makes me smile when you say my gifs are good because I’ve yet to learn a lot, but you are seriously one of the biggest reasons I haven’t given up the second something got too complicated. Where am I going with this? No idea. Anyway, I adore the fuck out of you and I’m happy to take part in this ��project” because you really deserve all the love in the world. Once again, happy holidays!

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-> From: @hopelessromanticvirgo (Elene)

Talking about you Cille is making me always so emotional but I will try my best not to burst out from love and emotions. You’re one of the sweetest person here and I will never get tired of saying that.

We haven’t talked that much directly but I don’t need that to know you’re one of the greatest person here, I just know that for sure. I’m also sure about it because I can see the way you treat people? Even speaking about your tags? Like you take the time out of your day to make sure everybody gets love and everybody gets attention. You make all of us smile and I adore your tags on my stories. You can’t even imagine how many times I have reread your posts about it, like I crave it, I’m in love with it, it makes me feel so happy and so loved and I’m certain that everybody else feels the same way too. You always know how to make everybody’s day better and how to make them feel special.

And please, don’t even get me started on your posts! Your song analysis. Like I know I’ve told you this thousands of times before but I don’t care, I’m saying it again! The way you pictured and described all those songs and scenes!!! Like wow! I’d always reread your posts about that one specific scene after rewatching the season countless of times. (And you also did so many scenes!! I’m in awe and I’m emo from just thinking about it)

Watching clips were different but reading them with lyrics were a whole other thing. I just felt so connected with the whole story and scenes when I’d ready your posts. And connect scenes with the music and it was the best thing ever. Sometimes I still go back and reread some of my favorite posts of yours. I never get tired of it.

And you’re so kind and so sweet that I could write essays about it! Such a blessing to this world! I just love you a lot okay? Everybody needs somebody like you, somebody who shines from kindness and love and people around you must be so lucky who get to meet you everyday and talk to you!

Thank you so much for everything you do, for being you and for making my day better and making me smile every time you reblog my posts or every time I just see your username on my dashboard! It’s such a small gesture but means so much!

Thank you for existing, babe! I hope you’re gonna have a wonderful day! And I’m sending you the biggest hug and my positive vibes! I hope a smile never leaves your face! And I only wish the best things up onto you! I love you! ❤️❤️❤️

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-> From: @itubainaretro (Esther)

Cille, my queen!!! Hi, sweetheart! Just dropping by to say that I hope you’re having a good day, despite the situation that the world is in, and that you’re feeling happy, loved, cherished and warm today, because you’re you and you deserve to feel all the best feelings in the world! I wish you all the happiness in the world and that all your wishes come true too, because you sure deserve it! Thank you for being this amazing, inspiring, talented and sweet person that you are and that I’ve come to know a little bit in the past few months! I know we don’t exactly talk that much, but I want you to know that I love seeing you, your beautiful edits and your extremely heart warming “moments that live in my head rent free” posts on my dash daily! They all really make my days! Thank you for sharing your posts with us and making this fandom (and the world, honestly) a better place! You’re amazing and I’m really glad I pressed the follow button the day I did when I started following you! I hope this little message makes you smile today, babe! Best wishes and lots and lots of love,

Esther (itubainaretro) ♥️

PS: don’t forget to hydrate yourself, wear a mask and stay safe haha xxxx.

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-> From: @driesendotkom (Marie)

Dear cille,

the reason i‘m writing this is to simply say thank you. thank you for being such a stable part of the fandom. every time i go into the tag i know i will see you there and it makes me smile every time. i can’t tell you how many hours i spent reading every one of your song analysis. even now a year after season 3 ended i find myself going back to them now and then to reminisce and relive those moments all over again.

i also want to say thank you for being such a kind and welcoming person. you care so much about the people you are close to. you are so easy to talk to and you make the people around you feel comfortable instantly. you brought a little bit of hygge into my life and one more time i want to say thank you 💛

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-> From: @driesenrobbe (Becca)

my dear, sweet, cille! you never fail to make me smile and im beyond happy that we became mutuals! im sure i’ve already said this a million times before but you really do have the biggest heart and i couldn’t thank you enough for all the love and support you constantly share to everybody in the wtfock fandom. plus the talent you possess... girllllll i love seeing your edits and reading your posts (honestly your mind is just wowowowow, it’s on a whole other level of incredible and i hope you know just how wonderful you are). also the way you always write entire essays in the tags of other posts... like you really do take the time to make everyone feel so welcomed and loved, and I’m sending you an infinite amount of love and appreciation in return! you really are the sweetest, most caring person who deserves all the happiness in the world, an actual ray of sunshine! i hope you know how loved and cherished you are, and that good vibes are always being sent your way. Many hugs and kusjes, ilysm!!!! <3

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-> From: @mijnlief (Eline)

Dear Cille,

This year has been a weird one, but I do know that it has also been one of the best because of meeting you. In such a short time we became so close, and I am so grateful to have met you during these weird times. We are so alike in many ways and I love that so much. Our Skype conversations are my favorite and the essays you send me about my writing and just about me being me always make me feel happy and loved. You are the kindest and most generous person ever. I hope you know how special you are. I am so proud of you for everything you have achieved this year and for choosing yourself in situations where it got hard to make a choice in the first place. I know I tell you that everyday, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again right here. I hope this post makes you smile, because you deserve that so much for just being who you are. You bring happiness to all of my days and I can’t wait to hug you one day soon when everything in the world calms down again. I love you lots! 🧡 Eline

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-> From: @onzeziggy (Laurien)

My sweetest Cille, where do I even begin? I suggest we should just begin from the very beginning and I’m sorry in advance if this is going to be a long, sappy text! But now that I have the chance (shout out to Rodrigo) for saying everything I want, I’m not able to tell you how long this will take.

So Cille, I still remember very clearly the first time I saw your account appearing on my dash. It was a music analysis from one of the songs from season 3. I was so amazed by it, because I could imagine how much time it takes to make it and observe every little detail in a single clip. I immediately fell in love with the concept of it and one week later, when you posted another one, my mouth dropped to the floor. Another music analysis? From the same person? Who is she and how do I become her friend? After that second post, I immediately started following you and became your little fangirl. I don’t lie when I say I was waiting every week for a new update of your incredible music analysis nor when I say I loved every single one of them (and still do). I know I already said this a million times, but your words of telling what was going on in every clip, about the emotions present in them, and how the music blended all of it together… No one, and I mean no one could have done it any better! I will forever be grateful for those posts and I want to thank you once again for wanting to share them and your talent with us!

After the music analysis adventure, your picture edits catched my eye. I love them so so much and I also took some creation of it for making some myself. Still, I was this little fangirl, knowing your name is Cille, but also wanting to know so much more about the person behind one of my favorite blogs. And now, during this hiatus, I can say I’ve got to know you and I couldn’t be any happier about it! Starting with little comments in each other’s tags, having little chats in the comment sections to screaming about a possible drawing of Robbe from Sander on their one year anniversary. And look at us now, reblogging almost every post and writing essays in each other’s tags hahah! Honestly, it keeps me alive during these times and I’m so glad I can do this together with you! I live for your attacks! Aaaah now that I’m talking about an attack, the fact that you have a dimples post ready is making me so excited and I think about it every day! We both know what’s important in love and life and that’s Robbe’s dimples! But this right here shows once again what an amazing sweet person you are! No one on here has ever done anything like this for me before, so I can’t thank you enough for this and all the other things you did and still do for me! And the privilege I have to be able to call you my friend warms my heart <33

I’m going to end this with a little quote Robbe wrote in one of his Instagram posts. When I read it again a couple of days ago, I immediately thought of you and what we’ve been through together the last few weeks :’)) Once again, thank you so much for everything you do for me and for everyone here in this fandom and being the amazing person you are! You deserve the whole world for it!

“Sometimes it’s like we just met yesterday, but other days it seems like I already know you my whole life, I love you Cille!” <33

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I hope you enjoyed this💛 If you didn't know this community loved you yet (and I don't think that was possible), now you definetly do.

Extra: I'd like to thank once again everyone that took part it this surprise, you are all the sweetest for taking some time to write this and to help me with it! Thank you so so much✨

[dickspeightjrs]

Show Me How Big Your Brave Is (au / 4.8k words)

Prompt 17 from my ‘30 Destiel Prompts’ for @eccentriccas 

ao3 link

It stared at Dean from the fridge, tacked up by a Stanford University magnet gifted to Dean by his brother, Sam. 

He’d known his high school reunion was coming up at some point but seeing it embossed in gold lettering created a pit in his stomach. 

High school wasn’t the best time for Dean for a few reasons. First, his dad had died in freshman year, which Dean had had mixed feelings about if he was honest. He was mostly concerned about his mother. She didn’t take it well. And then there was-

Dean was torn from his stare down with the invitation by the door bell. He trudged over to answer it.  His best friend, Charlie, came bounding in with all the energy of a labrador puppy. 

“Hey, friend!” She exclaimed, pulling Dean into a tight hug. “Are you ready for our movie night?” 

Dean let himself be infected with Charlie’s excited energy. “Of course, dude! Give me superheroes in spandex already.” He laughed. 

“You go set up the first movie and I’ll put the beers in the fridge, okay?” Charlie instructed. 

“Sounds good, Bradbury.”

Dean lucked out when he’d met Charlie. They’d been assigned as roommates in college. There had been a mix up with the room allocations. Dean had been a little confused when he’d turned from his boxes to find a tiny red-head standing in the doorway of his dorm. 

Charlie had taken a step into the room, let her backpack fall to the floor, and said, “Don’t even think about trying anything. I’m gay as the day is long and I’m not afraid to punch a guy back into his place.” Dean hadn’t known how to reply so he’d just nodded and silently gone back to unpacking his things. 

It was when Charlie had put up a Star Wars poster above her bed that Dean knew he was about to make a best friend. 

“Ooh what’s this?” Charlie’s voice came from the kitchen.

Crap. Charlie had probably found the invite. He should have hidden it when he had the chance. He sighed and moved into the kitchen. 

Charlie had an extremely mischievous grin on her face, and that was saying something for her. 

“When were you going to tell me about this?” Charlie asked. 

“Urm, never?” Dean mumbled, reaching to snatch the paper out of Charlie’s hand. 

But Charlie was too quick and dodged Dean’s grasp. 

“Come on Dean. You have to go!” Charlie implored. “It’ll be fun!”

Dean gave his friend an unimpressed look. “Charlie you know how much I hated high school.”

Charlie’s face softened. “I know, it sucks that you got outed before you were ready. No one deserves that. But, it’s been ten years. Things have changed.”

“You don’t know the people I went to high school with.” Dean scoffed. 

Charlie rolled her eyes. “Stop being dramatic, you nerd.”

“Dramatic or not, I ain’t going.” Dean plucked the invite out of Charlie’s hand and tore it in two. 

Charlie stuck her tongue out at him. “Party pooper.”

*  *  *

A few hours later, Dean and Charlie were deep into their annual ‘NerdFest’ movie night. 

“I swear, if I didn’t bat for the best team, I’d be so down for a bit of Black Wing.” Charlie mumbled around a mouth full of popcorn. 

Dean couldn’t help but nod in agreement. Aside from Captain America (because, hello Chris Evans!), Black Wing was Dean’s favourite superhero. But he’d only appeared in ensemble movies. There had been rumours of him getting his own solo movie after fans online had campaigned for it but nothing ever seemed to come of it. The guy who played him seemed to just drop off the map. 

Shame, Dean thought as he watched Black Wing kick ass on-screen, that dude was hot! 

“Take someone like that to your high school reunion and it would make those dicks’ jaws drop.” 

“Drop it, Charlie.” Dean groaned, glaring at the red-head. 

“Just saying. Get a hot date and you’ll win the game of life in their eyes.” Charlie raised her hands in defence. 

“Noted. Let’s move on.” 

“Fine.” Charlie pouted. 

Dean nodded and turned back to watch the screen, content that the subject had been dropped. 

“OH MY GOD!”

Dean jumped out of his skin, sending popcorn flying through the air. “What the hell, Bradbury?” He exclaimed. 

Charlie started excitedly slapping Dean on the arm. “I have the best idea.” She practically squealed. “Put an ad up on Craigslist for a hot date.”

Dean’s eyes went wide. “No fucking way. Never happening. Now stop.”

“But-”

“No!”

Charlie sulked for the next half an hour, all through the iconic fight scene with Black Wing and his fellow team of superheroes. She stopped eventually after Dean offered her a piece of pie as a peace offering. 

*  *  *

After a couple more movies, Charlie had to leave. Apparently, being an adult meant that you can’t just spend all night watching with your best friend anymore - who knew? So with a ‘see ya later bitch’, Charlie was gone. 

Dean felt the aches from being sat on the couch for hours and he was looking forward to laying out on his bed for a good night’s sleep. 

He sighed to himself and tidied up the last remains of the movie snacks. He was ready for sleep but he had to work early in the morning and he wouldn’t have time to clean up before he left. 

Shuffling into the kitchen to put the rubbish in the trash, Dean spotted his reunion invite where he left it on the counter. Except, it wasn’t ripped in two like he’d left it. It had ‘mysteriously’ been taped back together. He dragged a tired hand down his face in exasperation. Charlie just didn’t know when to quit. She was the bratty little sister he never wanted. 

He plonked himself down on the chair at the counter and stared at the white paper for a few moments. 

Fuck it! 

Charlie was right (though he’d never admit it to her face). He was determined to prove to the assholes he went to school with that the shit they threw at him didn’t stick. It didn’t matter that Dean didn’t really believe it to be the truth,’ fake it til ya make it’ as they say. 

Before he could chicken out, Dean had Craigslist opened up on his phone. Thinking back to Charlie’s suggestion earlier, Dean decided against asking specifically for a ‘hot’ guy. He dreaded to think what kind of douchebags that would answer the ad proclaiming themselves to be an adonis. 

And, despite knowing since he was young that he was bisexual, he decided to aim the ad towards guys. His few relationships with women had never worked out. Even though this was all going to be fake, Dean would like to be able to at least get on with the person. 

In the end, he decided on a short and simple ad:

‘Hi, I’m Dean (28M) looking for a guy to take as my date to my stupid high school reunion next Saturday. Message if interested (no weirdos)’

He posted the ad and then spotted the time at the top of the screen. 

Midnight. Shit. 

He closed the website and dashed upstairs as fast as his tired legs could carry him. 

*  *  * 

The next morning, Dean got woken up by the feel of sunlight shining on his face. He must have forgotten to shut the curtains before he passed out last night. 

His blood ran cold when he realised that the sun shining on his face meant only one thing. He was late for work. He scrambled around looking for his phone to check the time but it was nowhere to be found. 

Suddenly, it came to him. He must have left his phone on the counter in the kitchen, meaning he didn’t hear his alarms going off. 

He cursed himself and sped to get ready. Quickly sniffing a shirt to check it was okay to wear, he got dressed and raced downstairs. Sure enough, his phone was sat on the table where he'd sat the night before. 

When he picked it up he found that it had also run out of battery overnight. 

Great. As if this day couldn’t get any worse. 

Forgetting all else on his mind, Dean grabbed his phone and dash out of the front door. 

*  *  *

The ad remained forgotten until a few days later. 

Dean was just about to sit down and relax with a beer when his phone lit up with a notification. He put his beer down on a coaster to check it out. 

It was a message from Craigslist telling him someone has been trying to contact him about his ad. 

Dean’s eyes went wide. He’d completely forgotten about the ad for a date after being late for work and being chewed out by his boss. He couldn't believe someone had actually responded. He looked at the date for the first message. This guy had contacted him like an hour after he’d posted the ad. 

He opened the message. 

(01:28) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: Hello. I saw your ad for a date to your reunion. It says I’m only 10 miles from your location. I’m interested in helping you out. Are you still in need of assistance?

(10:11) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: I assume, as you haven’t replied, that you’ve decided to go with someone else for your date. 

(11:20) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: On second thought, this ad was probably a joke. Please ignore my messages. 

Wow. This dude talked funny. And reading that last message, Dean felt a little sorry for the guy too. He seemed lonely. But beggars can’t be choosers, so Dean prepared to reply. 

As he went to type, he noticed the guy’s username and smiled to himself. 

(19:37) impala67 says: don’t worry dude! the position as my date is still open. you’re the only one who has responded. 

PS. I like your username. you a Black Wing fan too? 

The reply was almost immediate.

(19:41) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: Okay. What information do you need from me?

PS. You could say so. 

‘You could say so’? Was this guy purposefully trying to be mysterious? Either way, Dean was intrigued. 

(19:45) impala67 says: idk dude, just the basics I guess. how old u are, what u look like

(19:53) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: I’m 30 years old. I have blue eyes and dark hair. I’m 6 feet tall. Anything else?

Dean hummed to himself. The guy sounded pretty average, which was okay with him.

(19:55) impala67 says: nah, that’s awesome dude. anything you want to know? 

(19:58) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: I suppose it would be nice to know what you look like too. Also, if you don’t mind me prying, I wondered why you need to have a date for a school reunion. And why have you turned to Craigslist to find it?

Dean was set aback by this guy’s forwardness. But, he did have a right to know what he was getting into Dean supposed. 

(20:05) impala67 says: you already know I’m 28. I have green eyes. sort of light brown hair and i’m around 6’2”. as for the other shit. high school was a shit show. I’ve always been a bit nerdy i guess. people didn’t like it. then I realised I’m bi (hope that’s not a deal break btw). tried asking this guy out senior year. got outed to the whole school. got a lot of shit for it. 

(20:11) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. No one deserves that. Why do you want to go back? No one would blame you for leaving and never going back. (Again, if you don’t mind me asking.)

Dean blinked at the screen. His forgotten beer was getting warm but he was fascinated by this guy. He seemed genuine and Dean felt himself wanting to share the darkest parts of himself with a complete stranger. He sighed and typed. 

(20:20) impala67 says: I guess I want to prove to those assholes that the things they said didn’t affect my life. even tho that’s not always the truth. I still struggle to accept myself i guess.

Dean chewed his lip, debating whether to include that last line or not. But, hey, he was asking this dude to be his date, the least he could do was be honest with him. He pressed send. 

Blue Eyes didn’t reply instantly this time and it made Dean nervous. He wished he could take back the last bit of the message. 

After a few anxious moments, Blue Eyes still hadn’t replied so Dean gave up, figuring he’d scared the guy away. He cursed himself and moved to put his Doctor Sexy DVDs into the player. He’d never admit it to anyone, not even Charlie, but Doctor Sexy was his comfort show. It provided him with a much needed distraction. 

A couple hours later, Dean was beginning to doze. The extra few beers he’d had cushioned him into a deep sleep. 

When he woke, surrounded by darkness with only the DVD menu playing to no one lighting the room, Dean rubbed his face tiredly and went to check his phone for the time. 

Instead of looking at the clock, Dean’s eyes were distracted by the Craigslist notification. Blue Eyes had messaged him back! Feeling a little foolish that he’d reacted too quickly before, Dean opened the message.

(23:23) BlueEyesAndBlackWings says: You’re incredibly brave, Dean. Not many people would be able to do what you’re doing. 

Dean blushed in the darkness. Why were a random internet dude’s words affecting him so much? He didn’t really know what to say in response so he just sent a quick ‘thank you, dude.’

*  *  * 

Over the next few days leading up to the reunion, Dean carried on messaging Blue Eyes just to get to know him a little more. Turns out the dude is dorky as hell. And, despite the original impression he gave with the Black Wing username, the guy didn’t understand any of Dean’s other references. 

It had occurred to him after they’d been messaging for a while that Dean still didn’t know his name. 

When he confronted Blue Eyes about it, the man had taken a while to respond again and answered only with ‘I’d rather not disclose my full name at this time. But, you can call me C.’

Dean had been a little skeptical of the guy’s response at first. But then, he figured the worst case scenario was the guy turned out to be a catfish and Dean would just blow off the reunion altogether and go get drunk. And he couldn’t blame the guy for not wanting to give out personal details over Craigslist. 

The day before the reunion, they agreed it was probably best to meet somewhere a couple hours before so they had time to get to know each other in person and iron out the final details they’d need to know about each other. 

*  *  * 

Dean sat in the coffee shop they’d agreed to meet at (public and easy to escape if things went south). He tried to stop his leg from trembling under the table. 

He was nervous for a couple of reasons. The obvious: this guy could turn out to be a creepy old dude stalking men on the internet. And the less obvious but more surprising to Dean: he actually wanted this to go well. Without even knowing what he looked like, Dean had found himself beginning to like the guy. Even if he wasn’t attracted to him when he finally saw Blue Eyes, Dean would be cool with being friends with him. 

His eyes were following the patterns in the wood on the table top when a deep voice came from above him. 

“Dean?” It asked, with nervous uncertainty. 

Dean swallowed and looked up to the source of the voice and- 

Holy shit! 

It was him! It was the Black Wing!

What was the guy’s name? Cas- something? Castile? Casteel? Castiel! That was it!

Holy fucking shit! This couldn’t be happening. 

Dean realised he’d been staring wide-eyed during his internal freak out and Blue Eyes, Castiel, was stood looking as nervous as Dean had felt before the surprise adrenaline took over his body. 

“Sorry, dude. Please sit down.” Dean gestured to the chair opposite him. He wiped his hands on his jeans, nerves starting to take over once again. 

Neither man spoke for a few moments. 

“So I-” Castiel began.

“I don’t-” Dean spoke too. 

Both men chuckled. “You go,” Dean told Castiel. 

Castiel smiled softly, “I suppose, from your reaction, you know who I am.”

Dean blushed. “Yeah. For what it’s worth, I’m a big fan.” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly. 

Now Castiel blushed, “Thank you, Dean.” His expression turned serious. “I hope you understand now why I didn’t give you my full name while we spoke online.”

“Yeah, of course, dude. Don’t want any crazies hunting you down.” Dean chuckled. 

Castiel chuckled with him. “Yes, something like that.”

“So, um, before we get into the details for later, I was wondering if I could ask you a question?”

“Of course, Dean. You were honest with me, it’s only fair I return the favour.” Castiel smiled. 

“It’s only because I watched one of your movies the other night with my best friend, Charlie-” who was totally gonna freak out when Dean told her about this “-but wasn’t there meant to be a solo Black Wing movie? Everyone in the fandom was talking about it and then suddenly you seemed to disappear. I guess, I’m just wondering why you changed your mind?” Dean asked, nervously. He was waiting for Castiel to tell him to go fuck himself (though Dean knew that Castiel wasn’t really that kinda guy). 

Castiel cleared his throat and met Dean’s eyes. “We were just about to go into production for the solo movie when my brother and his wife were killed in a head-on collision with a truck.”

Dean’s mouth dropped open. But, he could sense Castiel hadn’t finished so he stayed quiet. 

“The only blessing was that it was instant, so they didn’t suffer. That, and luckily their daughter, Claire, was at the babysitter’s at the time.” Castiel smiled, melancholy whispers gracing his features. 

Dean knew he barely knew the guy but he could sense when someone needed comfort so he reached across the table to place a soft touch on Castiel’s hand. 

“I took Claire into my care. And that ended my career as I knew it.” Castiel shrugged. “I was deeply disappointed to have to leave the movie, but Claire came first. And I didn’t want her to grow up in the spotlight, with people using her parents’ tragic death as a way to sell magazines. So I left the industry. That was three years ago and I haven’t looked back. Claire is five now and she’s all I could ever want.” 

Dean was awestruck. “Wow.” He breathed. “I can’t believe it.”

“What?” Castiel asked, head tilting in confusion. (If the situation wasn’t so serious, Dean would have struggled not to comment on how adorable he looked.) 

“Dude.” Dean choked. “You called me brave for wanting to face a coupla high school assholes. But you - you gave up your entire career to give the best life to your niece.” He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re amazing.” 

Castiel blushed again (and Dean found he was slowly falling in love with that look on Castiel’s face). “I don’t know that I’m amazing, I just want a normal life for Claire and I.” He shrugged. 

“A normal life, huh?” Dean asked. “Well, I can try and help with that.” He lifted his hand from where it had been placed on Castiel’s and held it in the air between them. “I’m Dean Winchester. I’m twenty eight. A bit of a nerd and in need of a date this evening.”

Castiel huffed a laugh and placed his hand in Dean’s, shaking it. “I’m Castiel Novak. I’m thirty. Uncle to a beautiful niece and I would be honoured if you’d let me be your date for this evening.” 

Dean’s face broke into a smile, which turned into a laugh that caused a smile to spread across Castiel’s cheeks. 

They let their hands settle naturally on top of the table. 

Now, with their barriers down, they began making plans and ideas for that evening. Though, if Dean were being honest, it felt like he’d known Castiel forever already. 

Eventually, after what felt like hours of talking, Castiel got up to finally get himself a coffee. It wasn’t until Castiel’s hand left his that Dean realised they’d been holding onto each other the whole time. 

*  *  *

Dean and Castiel ended up talking for so long in that coffee shop that they were late for the reunion. The party was in full swing when they arrived. 

Just before they entered the hall, Dean stopped in his tracks. 

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Castiel asked, worry etched into his features. 

“Are you sure about this, man? There’s a chance someone in there could recognise you or something. It’s not worth ruining your life plan over just for me to say ‘fuck you’ to a couple of dicks.” Dean stressed. 

Castiel reached to take Dean’s hand in his. “Some things are worth a little risk.” He whispered and walked with Dean through the hall doors. 

It seemed Dean had had nothing to worry about in the end. They’d spoken to a few people who had seemed genuinely interested in that Dean had been up to since graduation. And they barely batted an eye when he’d introduced Castiel as his boyfriend. (He’d meant to just call him his date but clearly his mouth had had other ideas.) Castiel himself had just placed a soft hand around Dean’s waist - stopping Dean from an internal panic. 

It was all going so well and Dean was starting to think Charlie had been right (again, damn her!). Maybe everyone had just grown up and moved on. 

Once they’d finished a conversation with the guy Dean sat next to in English class senior year, Castiel went to the bar to get them some drinks, whispering in Dean’s ear that he’d be back in a moment. Dean was a little sad Castiel hadn’t gone a bit further and placed a kiss on his cheek. 

“Well, well, if it isn’t Dean Winchester.” The voice of Bela Talbot came from behind him. Dean turned with a scowl on his face. 

“Hello, Bela.” He said through gritted teeth. She’d been one of the main people instrumental in his forced coming out. 

“Goodness me, Dean. If I’d known how pretty you’d turn out, maybe high school could have gone a lot differently.” She practically purred, running a perfectly manicured finger along Dean’s cheek bone. “But, hey, there’s still time now, I could be the one to knock you straight again.”

Dean was frozen to the spot. He was back to being a scared kid, dealing with the loss of a parent and being taunted daily for his sexuality. He knew he shouldn’t have done this. He wasn’t brave. He was pathetic. He couldn’t even stand up to a school bully ten years later.

“Excuse me.” Castiel appeared suddenly at Dean’s side. “What did you say to him?” The look on his face was nothing short of murderous. 

“I’m just getting reacquainted with an old friend.” Bela answered, sickly sweet. “And who are you?”

Castiel’s eyes narrowed. “I’m Dean’s boyfriend and I don’t appreciate the way you’re speaking to him.” 

Dean’s eyes went wide. Earlier it had been a slip when he’d called Castiel his boyfriend but now Castiel was purposefully saying it? Dean didn’t dare to hope. 

Bela laughed, causing Castiel to glare even harder (honestly, if looks could kill, she’d be in hell). “Ah! So he’s definitely still gay then.” She said, lip curling with distaste. 

“Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s bisexual, not gay. I’d tell you to educate yourself, but clearly, after ten years you’re still the same bitch you’ll always be.” 

Bela looked taken aback, like no one had ever spoken to her like that before. 

Castiel didn’t wait for her response. Instead, he grabbed Dean’s hand and stormed out of the building.

It wasn’t until the cool evening air hit his face, that Dean finally snapped back to himself. They’d ended up in the parking lot, stood next to Dean’s car. 

“Cas..” Dean breathed.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Castiel said, begging for forgiveness. “I just couldn’t stand the way she was speaking to you.” 

“Cas-” Dean spoke. 

“She was just so rude a-and small-minded. I hated it.” 

“Cas!” Dean raised his voice. Castiel snapped his jaw shut. “It’s okay. Thank you for sticking up for me.” Dean stepped closer to Castiel, playing with the lapel on Castiel’s suit jacket. 

Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes but Dean couldn’t hold his gaze. “I’m just embarrassed that I froze up. After all of this, I failed at standing up for myself. I’m pathetic.” 

Castiel placed his hands on Dean’s cheeks, forcing Dean to look at him. Green eyes finally met blue. “Dean, listen to me. It was incredibly brave to walk into that room tonight. You are the bravest person I’ve ever met.” He said earnestly. 

Dean couldn’t hold it in anymore. He hoped he wasn’t about to ruin this before it even started. But, as a wise man told him recently: some things are worth a little risk.

Wasting no more time, Dean pulled Castiel into a deep kiss. 

Once Castiel was on board, he pushed Dean up against the car behind them. 

After a few heated moments, of what can only be described as heavy making out, Dean growled at Castiel to get into the car before they got arrested for public indecency. 

They somehow made it back to Dean’s house but their clothes only managed to stay on long enough to get through the front door. Dean directed them to his room and threw Castiel down on the bed. 

He took in the sight of the beautiful man laid out under him before kissing up Castiel’s chest and took over his mouth again. The only words said between them were muttered assurances that they were on the same page. Dean could never have dreamed this is how this night would end but he certainly wouldn’t change a thing. 

*  *  *

The next morning, Dean and Castiel laid in each other’s arms, content to be together in the quiet. 

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Dean. “What about your niece?” He worried. “Don’t you need to get back to her?” He sat up frantically. 

“Dean, Dean, don’t worry.” Castiel raised his hands to calm the other man. “I texted my babysitter yesterday at the coffee shop asking her to stay with Claire for the night.” 

Dean relaxed into the bed, smirking a little. “So you knew how the night would end even before we got to the reunion.” 

Castiel blushed. “I wouldn’t say I knew. But I did hope.”

Dean smiled, pulling Castiel closer to place a tender kiss on the side of his head. “I hoped for it too.” He whispered. 

They settled into silence again, warm in each other’s company. 

A short while passed before either of them spoke again. 

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel murmured, breaking the quiet. 

“For what?” Dean frowned. 

“For thinking of Claire.” 

“Well, she’s important to you. She’s your whole world.” Dean shrugged. 

“Maybe my world could get a little bigger now.” Castiel suggested, smiling nervously up at Dean.”

“Yeah, I think it could.”

*  *  *

Later, as they dug into a couple of burgers Dean threw together, another thought crossed Dean’s mind. 

“Cas?”

“Hmm?” Castiel hummed around the burger in his mouth.

“Why were you looking through Craigslist ads in the first place?”

Castiel swallowed and chuckled to himself. “Sometimes I look through to find funny ads people put up.”

Dean was beginning to get a little offended when Castiel reached across the table to hold his hand. 

“But, the night that I saw your ad, I had just put Claire to bed and I was feeling lonely. I took a risk. And I think it worked.” Castiel smiled shyly. 

“Hell yeah, it did!” Dean grinned from ear to ear. 

*  *  *

Charlie’s phone vibrated next to her. She paused the video game she was playing to pick it up. Seeing it was a text from Dean, she opened it immediately. 

On her screen was a selfie of Dean with another dark haired dude captioned:

‘I should take your advice more often Bradbury.’

Her eyes turned to saucers and she looked at the image again more closely. She frowned slightly, looking at the man whose cheek Dean was kissing. 

Wait- That totally looked like-

Her phone dinged with a new message from Dean. 

‘And yes, it’s exactly who you think it is.’

HOLY FRIGGIN SHIT! 

-

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it Taylor! 

If you liked what you saw, REBLOG! and consider reserving a prompt from my ‘30 Destiel Prompts’ challenge, or just send me your own prompt you’d like me to fill!

-

TAGS: @eccentriccas @starrynightdeancas @credentiast @imbiowaresbitch @starclaire @cockleslovesdestiel @bend-me-shape-me @destielfactory @dea-stiel @wendeano @wingsandimpalas @aggressivedean @flowersforcas @chill-legilimens @pancakesofthelord @saltnhalo @caslikescoffeeandfreckles @assbuttboyfriends @jhoomwrites @breathingdestiel @simplymisha @thekingslover @aelysianmuse

(once again tagging my faves, let me you if you’d like to be removed from future fics - or added if you’re not already there!)

[kinktae]

kinktae? i think you meant the sweetest & loveliest person ever 🥺💞💓

Anonymous said: rose deserves all the love and more rt if you agree 🤠

(warning: oodles of precious and dear anons under the cut)

yooniversus said: i faqing luv u (hehe get it) 💕💕💕🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥺💕❤️💫💕💫💜💕💜💕💜💕💕💜💕💜💜💜💜 ok soddy i was just bored 

Anonymous said: i dont usually interact with fic writers but ur work is out of this world!!!!! the way you write dialogue makes it seem casual and natural flowing like how you would talk to a friend :)) connecting to the main character has never been a challenge for me, but with your writing its like i am the character instead of just some reader. i hope that you never stop writing as long as it brings you joy, and that this message makes you smile (even just a lil' bit) luv u!!

worldclasscassy said: i am so geeked over ur writing 🥰🥺

Anonymous said: uwu punch me daddy

Anonymous said: ur deada$$ one of the best writers on here, i don’t make the rules sis 🙈

into1995 said: heelo! sending all my love! 🥰 you have such a beautiful soul, please take care! we are here for you always. 💕

dejayoon said: take your time lovey! you deserve a break💜

Anonymous said: imagine waking up every day knowing ur rose...PHEW!! wish i could be that lucky 😪😪

lovesic-eunoia said: hey, sweetie. i know your anxiety has been making you feel like crAP and i'm here to tell you that it really does get better❤️, there's always gonna things that make you wanna quit trying to get better, but don't give up. anxiety doesn't rule your life, you do. i wish you the best through all of the ups and downs. you're a precious piece of life. much love ❤️❤️

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: saw u on my dash and my heart went lub dub

Anonymous said: I hope you take some time to yourself and enjoy hiatus! We love you!

evilkookie said: Your health is way more important than anything!! I wish only good and positive things for you and you feel better, take as long as you need for your Hiatus 💝💝

Anonymous said: I dont know if I'm late but take care of yourself bby! Health always comes first and I hope you'll be enjoying your time outside of tumblr! Will miss you but love you so much bby! -Bunny

miss-peys said: Hope all is well! I myself had to take a step back from school because my mental health was terrible! Hope everything is going okay in your personal life! Can’t wait for you to come back to tumblr, but please come back when YOU feel ready not because others want you to come back! Sending positive vibes your way! Can’t wait for you come back💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: Rose my darling dearest I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well 💜💫☁️

Anonymous said: hi jared ilu xoxoxo

Anonymous said: I love u and I hope ur taking care of yourself and staying hydrated!!

googie-kook said: How are you doing lovely? Miss you loads and hope you’re feeling better! Love from London! 🇬🇧 💓💓💓💓💓

Anonymous said: hi bby! im just coming in to tell you i love you! and you are loved!! and i hope youre taking good care of yourself and doing all those good things to keep yourself happy and healthy!! and im super excited for your spooky fic soon! sending you nothing but the best !!!❤❤❤

Anonymous said: i’m really happy that you’re taking a mental break from social media(tumblr). i had to do that a couple days ago and it really helps. anyways hope you get better and you take time to heal yourself. i love youuuuu🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Anonymous said: Ur meat is huge, keep going.

Anonymous said: how are you being doing rose? hope you're well

hyzzzan said: I'm glad you're still here 🥰💜

Anonymous said: You are so good and such a cute human bean oof (are we still saying ‘oof’?) it’s really frustrating cause I can’t make u feel the intensity with which I mean it. You are so so so so good, your stories just hit different. Like next level shit. Your characters, stories, yo skills I swear if only I was half as good as you are at writing maybe I would be able to make u feel the intensity of my feelings.. I hope writing these masterpieces brings you as much joy as reading them does to me💕💕

Anonymous said: Your stories are soooo good! I am in love with them.

Anonymous said: I MISSED YOU. seeing the "hiatus" taken off your blog just made me so happy. I hope you're good 🖤 happy Halloween 🦇

Anonymous said: I'm rereading all your fics and I keep falling in love with your writing. Thank you for quality content. Also, I hope you're doing good!

Anonymous said: Hi love! I'm so so sooooooo happy you're back! Hope you had a great break and noe you're feeling better. But take your time with writing, exams come first. I still can't wait to read your new stuff tho! (On a side note, we already talked in private but I'm still shy, sorry) ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: Hi omg are you back?? I missed you 🥺

Anonymous said: rose ur writing is insanely good and whenever im having a ton of anxiety i read ur writing to calm me down so tysm for being the best ever

lorengarcia-yut

said: You're BACK! I'm so happy you're back! I really hope you are feeling good and happy. Just wanted to send you a lil welcome back message with a little love

monohoed said: Hey, hope you been feeling better? I love everything you’ve written so far and just wanted to let you know! I’ve struggled w mental health myself and I empathise ♥️♥️

sydney--chan said: I fr think I might die when you post a fic again like no cap ive missed you and your writing so mUCH🥺🥺🥺

Anonymous said: so heyyy idk how to say it buttt ily~~ ★☆~

Anonymous said: hihi rose ilu sm and i hope ur doing well, pls take care of urself bb 🥺🥺💜

Anonymous said: .........you are like so beautiful

Anonymous said: HEY IM WUV U AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!! 💕💕 I love all your work and I hope the best for you!!!

Anonymous said: ummm ma’am??? you are so beautiful and I am so gay??????

Anonymous said: I followed you on twitter and you are pretty, funny, kind, and creative. Biggest friend crush uwu

Anonymous said: Omg you should be a model. You're so gorgeous, I'm jealous. If I ever met you in real life, my self-esteem will go down. But I love you too much girl 💕

mazeyoongi said: i haven't had much time or interest in reading fics lately because i am so busy between work & college, but every time you post a new story i HAVE to read it. no natter how busy i am or what is going on, i always read your new fics. they are ALWAYS so so so amazing and you manage to keep my interest from beginning to end no matter who or what it may be based on. thank you for giving us such wonderful work. you're amazing! 💓

Anonymous said: You're so pretty I- TAKE MY HEART PLIS I MIGHT JUST MAKE A TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR YOU 🥺🥺😩😩 -Bunny

Anonymous said: wtf the twitter video, jeezus you are freaking stunning

Anonymous said: you‘re so pretty lemme suck your dick, it‘s only fair

Anonymous said: low key your facial structure is like perfect?? i'm kinda jealous?? luv u b

charlie-hatsune said: JUST FOLLOWED YOUR TWITTER AND YOU'RE SUPER PRETTY!!!

dazedaurora said: okay but like how tf is everyone around here so pretty?! you're an absolute doll 💖

i-want-to-bite-your-head-off said: I haven't been on here in a WHILE but hi hope you're doing well and ily uwu

sapphireprinces5 said: Hello!! I just wanted you to know I really love all (and I mean ALL) of your stories. I really want to be a better reader for all of you amazing writers who share their art with us. With so many authors leaving, I really want to do my part better! So, you will definitely see more from me when you update!! Excited to see what you have in store for us ❤️

Anonymous said: Omg hi lovely!!! I just wanted to tell u that you are a precious human being and I hope u know that

ktgguk said: uwu I hope you had a lovely day, don’t forget to drink plenty of water 🧸💗 keep being amazing at what you do!!!

Anonymous said: You’re so consistent through your work and everything you write is a phenomenal masterpiece! I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how do you manage to always get such a high word count per chapter. That probably sounds so dumb and I’m sorry if this wastes your time.

Anonymous said: I LOVE U SO MUCH THANK U FOR ALL UR HARD WORK IN UR WRITING AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

justaregularcrazyfangirl said: So, hm... It's not an ask but i just read what you said about my little review and i just wanted to say that you managed to make me blush 😆 (urgh i'm not used to do this and it shows !) Anyways, i'm happy you found my review interesting 💜 I hope you have a nice day ~ "You nice, keep going" ! (And that's my cue to go and hide somewhere !)

Anonymous said: you're an amazing writer!!!

Anonymous said: pls rose u deserve ALL the love in this universe

Anonymous said: Ma’am!! We are your friends!!! That post was SO CUTE!!! Love U!! My heart is full of love and appreciation for your cute self

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: i love your stories for one, always have ever since I found you 🥺 you give me most of my inspiration to write and let my creativity flow but it’s so dang hard actually putting the words I want on the pAGE BENDK

Anonymous said: Do you ever read your own fics and be like "Damnnn I'm good"

Anonymous said: Oh are you sick 😥 Get well soon 💜

Anonymous said: Omg you speak French too?!! Is there anything you can’t do?!?! You’re such a smart girl 😭🤧💕

Anonymous said: I think you’re really cool and I wish I could be your friend. ❤️

Anonymous said: 💜💜💜 Hey love, idk if you've already deleted the app or it'll get barried in the inevitable avalanche of asks you're about to receive but I hope you can feel the love I'm sending your way nonetheless. You're my favorite writer and there's so question, i'll be here when you get back. Take as much time as you need and I'm very proud of you for taking the necessary steps to get better. That alone takes strength. I wish you the best of luck. -🌻

Anonymous said: Life is a pendulum between your fics and your ficsrec

Anonymous said: just wanted to slide in here to say i dont really like smutty stories, but damn yours be hittin different and im obsessed, so thank u for sharing ur work with us 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: hi! i’m a reader of your work and well, I completely understand where you’re coming from. exactly. 100%. so you take your time and love yourself like you know you deserve to. I support you!

bugznot said: whenever you decide to come back we’ll be ready with open arms. remember you are powerful but you can only take so much. breaks are necessary and important and i hope you are kind to yourself in this time

Anonymous said: Leaving this message for when you’ll come back: I hope you finally start to love yourself back, you take chances cause you believe in yourself and your abilities, you leap blindly because you have faith in yourself and you know where you stand. I hope you have learnt to love yourself, to demand more of others and you for yourself, because you are worth it. I hope you come back, rejuvenated and free of all those schemes that bring you down. Love you 💕

Anonymous said: Saw your most recent post and wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon. I understand how tough it is when it feels like you’re living a lie, but not to minimize your experience, I’m sure it’ll pass and you’ll feel more comfortable with yourself. We all love you here and are patiently awaiting your return. If you celebrate it, happy holidays! Hopefully it won’t be stressful for you and you get some time to relax! 💕

Anonymous said: take as much time as you need & don’t feel like you HAVE to write just because there are people waiting for updates. your real life & health always comes first but pls know that we’ll be here for you & only want the best for you. We’ll be patiently waiting for you & understand your struggles (or at least I do 🙃). pls keep your friends around you, stay in good surroundings with positive vibes & take care of yourself (& your dog aw). sending all the love to you!!!

peachishiz said: Hey Rose my love Dw u don’t gotta answer just popping in to say I love u so much and I hope ur doing good and stuff 🌸💕

Anonymous said: hi bby, i just wanted to say that i can’t truly say ik what you’re going through, bc every circumstance is different, but i really relate to you & what you’re going through. i teared up a bit bc i’ve had the similar thoughts & feelings (and i still do) but i think being open & vulnerable about it is the first step (& hardest) so i just wanna day i’m proud of you 🥺 i wish i let you know more how much i love and appreciate your fics, but i hope the time you take for yourself is healing 💜 Luv -⭐️

Anonymous said: Hope no matter where you go or what you'll do, you'll be happy with it. Lots of love and best of luck ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous said: dude honestly , taking that step to take care of yourself makes me extremely proud and i dont even know like that. When i first moved to Miami i think i felt similar to how you do , i held a lot of resentment for myself and the life i led and its a sentiment i dont wish on the worst of my enemies. Im sorry you feel that way , but you know you have the strength to pull yourself out of your slump , and that's quite the feat on its own. Good luck and i hope happiness finds you soon. - A.L.Á

Anonymous said: heeeeey, I hope you take lots of care during ur hiatus. Stay hydrated, eat some tasty food, make yourself a priority, reach out for help when you need to, and life is like a minecraft house, sometimes it gets burned down, sometimes it gets attacked but in the end you always have the opportunity to rebuild something new, that makes you happy and satisfied. u rock, u r wonderful and amazing, ily

Anonymous said: Hi! Just wanted to say that your writing is brilliant. It’s okay to be going through a tough time. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need a break and taking one. The year is almost over: it’s the perfect time for a lifestyle change or a new beginning. Do what you need to do. We’ll still be here. Love you!

Anonymous said: You’re doing great sweetie! Keep going ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: im not sure if you still have the app or not or if you'll ever see this but i love you 💓 & i know idk you but to see you taking steps toward loving yourself is so beautiful ! im still on that journey myself 🤷🏽‍♀️ & it gets hard but you gave me some newfound energy just now. good luck !

Anonymous said: I am so proud of you. You’re so brave for accepting the fact that you are not okay, and doing something to turn that around. Now you’re walking the path towards betterment. I won’t wish for you to not fall back into that hole, but that when you do, I hope you come out faster and stronger every time. You made my life a thousand times better through your works, I hope through this hiatus, you’ll be able to do that for yourself. I am rooting for you ❤️

sydney--chan said: Hi babie🥺 please take all the time you need for yourself. I am proud of you for taking a step back and realizing you needed change. You are very strong and I cant wait for you to come back better than ever:)

Anonymous said: Ah, baby! Just the fact that you opened up and came with this decision shows that deep inside you care for yourself and you are also really brave. YOU ARE inspirational, your friends aren't lying. So many of us can't stop being stagnant and that's ok too. But you, you are doing so much and you are handling this better than you see it yourself. You are mature enough to see that things are wrong and that you deserve to heal. Everything that's wrong is going to pass. (1/?)

Anonymous said: And the cloudy days are going to be gone. I believe in you and I hope you believe in yourself as well. Treat yourself like you would treat one of the boys, for ex (I know it sounds silly but... lol). Imagine if they were feeling down and if they made mistakes. Wouldn't you forgive them? Make them see that it is ok? Wouldn't you want to cuddle and take care of them? Treat yourself like that, please. Treat yourself like you deserve to be taken care of, because you do. (2/?)

Anonymous said: Try to date yourself, you know. Take yourself on a date, buy you something nice when you can, try not to tell yourself things you wouldn't tell other person (cuz I know you are the kindest to people). And it is ok if somedays you can't handle things the best way, but you're just human and it is okay. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We are all trying hard in this life and we are all making mistakes. I am proud of you for trying. Keep trying to be better for yourself. You are precious and (3/4)

Anonymous said: I hope everything gets better for you as soon as possible. We are cheering you up, also while you're on hiatus. Come back whenever you feel like it and don't feel pressured to please others. YOU are the one who matters here and you're amazing af. We are going miss this bright star that you are but be patient with yourself and take your time. Please, seek a professional and take care of your health. You are lovely and loved. Everything goes, my love ♥♥♥♥ (4/4)

Anonymous said: I love you so damn much❤️

Anonymous said: I'm proud if you, I get that this was a hard decision to take, and you still did it. So, I'm proud of you. You finally understood that you are the n. priority, so please treat yourself like it. Even if you'll be gone for the whole year, I'm still super happy ti hear this. You deserve this, as you said yourself, you deserve the world. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing good, but I know that you can make it better. Please, remember that you're not on your own: ask for help if you need it. Ily

lorengarcia-yut said: I just read your post and I just want let you know that we support you! Your health comes first, please take all the time you need. I feel for you, cause in a way I understand. Please take of your self! May God bless your life cause it’s gonna get better. Keep going, don’t ever give up, and please keep pushing. You deserve better than what you’re going through. Bless your heart ❤️

Anonymous said: 🌹 I don’t know if you will see this but I completely understand what you are going through. I have depression and social anxiety, and it’s so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning to go to school in a city where I don’t know anyone. I just want you to know that I will always support you and I hope that this time away will help to clear your mind of some negativity and bring you into a new year with hopefully brighter days 💜✨☀️

minigalixies said: i hope you come back feeling better, love ♡ so proud of you making the decision to put YOU first !! it’s a hard, but VERY important, decision that i hope benefits you sO MUCH !! i look forward to seeing your new posts when you feel better mentally + physically !! ♥️

Anonymous said: I hope this break provides you with everything you need. I hope life in general gets easier for you, you deserve it my love. Your mental health is way more important than providing us with content. Please take care of yourself, we'll be here for you if/when you decide to come back. I love you.

Anonymous said: hello im here to state a fact: your writing is perfect

moonchild-love-letter said: Hi, how are you? I hope you're okay. Actually, I hope you're better than okay, I hope you've been eating well, sleeping well, and spending your days chasing your bliss. Your writing is a piece of art, whenever I finish a chapter I always feel so happy and blessed to have found your blog. I hope that happiness returns to you ten folds. I hope your days are filled with love. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you.

Anonymous said: BABY ROSE YOURE BACK!!!!! I’m ready to spend my 2020 supporting your 10/10 writing and you on your life journey. GONNA SMOTHER YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: i admire u so much for being confident enough to put ur mental health first. school causes me so much stress and anxiety and makes me slip back into my depression so fast. i look up to u so much. im glad ur doing what makes u happy. 🥺

Anonymous said: HAPPY NEW YEAR BBY 💙💙 YOU WERE LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW BLOGS I FOLLOWED AND YOU GOT ME INT HE FEELS SO MANY TIMES AND YOUR THEMES ARE AMAZING AND YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU YOU SMOL BBY -Bunny

tinievmin said: Okay so you’re my internet older sister now!!! Wow this is so cute 🥺🥺 Take care of your health, eat well, drink water, sleep, and be kind to yourself this year!!! Sending u love!!

Anonymous said: U ARE A BABY 😩😩😩😩😩😩

Anonymous said: WT FFFFFFF ROSE HAPPY NEW YEAR 🌟 u are backkkkk i miss u little bby 🤧💕

Anonymous said: While they say that army’s are toxic, i think I’ve never found so many people sharing one common interest with such an awareness and consciousness about complex concepts like loving yourself. I like to think that BTS deconstructed the cliché of “love yourself” into something more complex and difficult that u would pursue in life bravely, even through struggles, and not just a quote u find on aesthetic pillows. And I think you’re doing just that too with your stories and your journey. thank you💕

Anonymous said: hello! i'm a returning bts writer and so glad to see find you on here still!! i remember reading one of your earliest fics i love you

Anonymous said: You’re so talented!!

Anonymous said: hello miss rose how are you today? I thought id just come over to say hi and i love you so much you beautiful human being. I hope you and your little fur babies are doing well!💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: hey, idk if you'll even see this, but i just wanted to say i'm in love with all of your fics. i don't even have a tumblr account, i just come to your page from google to read your stuff and see if you're doing well😳 i could say more but that robot verification keeps running out, so hope 2020 treats you well and you're an amazing writer!

pocketfullofsuga said: hey I checked who im following and it said you are one of my favorite tumblrs I mean they aint wrong though bby

Anonymous said: JUST WANTED TO SAY ILYILYILY AND I HOPE THAT THE NEW DECADE IS TREATING YOU WELL EVEN THO WE ONLY FOUR DAYS IN. ILY, STAY HEALTHY, LOVE YOURSELF. k bye 🥺🤍🕊🥰

[xtswifts]

in all my years on tumblr, this is still one of my favorite gifs of tay in existence, so i shall use it now on my mega ooc appreciation post.

i am still on hiatus — it has been a ROUGH 36 hours my dudes — but i did want to drop in and post some ic/ooc appreciation things while this week is still here because i am all in the business of sharing the love. it’s one of the many reasons i absolutely adore this group. this group has always been about love, for me, and would probably be the singular word i’d use to describe my experience here.

i joined this lovely bunch back in july, i do believe? i had actually just finished up writing and self-publishing my third book which wound up being a behemoth (seriously it was a lot) and while i was absolutely and completely braindead when it came to writing, i still wanted to write. i’m a writer. that’s who i am and that’s who i’ll always be. i wanted something a lot more low-stakes, kind of go-with-the-flow, no real pressure and more collaborative than the isolating fun of novel-writing, so i turned back to roleplay. hollywood rps have always been my absolute favorites in the rpc for whatever reason; i have such fond memories in hollywood groups and it’s a fun and creative way for me to just project the love i have for my faves. after a few experiences in groups during late 2017 and early 2018 i was pretty sure that i was done with roleplay. it just wasn’t the same for me, no matter where i went. priorities had shifted and it was no longer about writing because you loved to write. but, me being ever the optimist, i decided to dive back into the tags and see what was still around or had recently popped up. i found this group and i saw that they had just had a taylor swift removed from the group, and hi hello nice to meet you i am taylor swift trash no. 1!!!, i felt like it was all Meant To Be or something like that (plus, she was taken in every other group and that’s who i really wanted to put a hand at writing). so i put in an app for her, got accepted, and i have been plaguing your dashes ever since :~))

in the four-ish months that i have been here, so much has happened in my life. i started my (outrageously stressful) junior year of college, i lost my grandma, i went to go see queen swift in atlanta and meet my baby princess camila, i have had major friend complications and doubts about my career track and i have had just really boring, empty days where everything was going seemingly okay. this group has been there for me through every high, low, and in between. this group has been my escape to run to when i’m stressed or up late at night and can’t sleep or just really looking to be social or want to write something. this group has been so welcoming, warm, and fun; i have had the opportunity to explore my character any which way that i please and form awesome plots with people, and even more awesome friendships ooc. some of you send really, really kind things my way which, fyi, i’m super grateful for and have probably cried over because this was the first time i not only felt welcomed in a group as taylor, but felt welcomed in a group as me. i am so grateful that i get to call this place my internet home and there is absolutely nowhere else i would rather be spending my free time writing. i stand by what i say: this is the best group in the tags, hands down. you could not ask for a more inclusive, diverse, welcoming, creative playground to spend your time on. to all the lovely admins over on main @hollywoodfamerp​ thank you for doing the heavy lifting and giving us a safe and warm place that we can call home. the work you do never goes unnoticed. you are appreciated and you are so, so loved. ♡  

some ~personal~ shoutouts:

@nhxran​ — peyton, you are without a doubt one of my best friends both in this group and just in general. we had an immediate chemistry as writing partners from that very first starter reply and nothing about that has changed. you are the writing partner i always hoped i would find in a group due to how generous you are in every reply, the way you are willing to headcanon and brainstorm (even at the craziest of hours) and i still remain in awe of you as a roleplayer with the way you juggle such diverse characters, all of which have their prominent voices that never seem to overlap. you are the roleplayer i wish i could be. even though we might sometimes be ships in the night ic, ooc i know that you are always there and you always have my back, and i truly hope you know that the same goes for you. i love you, you intelligent, creative, witty, beautiful, heart-of-gold woman you. i would not have stayed in this group if i had not met you. you are one of my favorite people, period. thank you for being one of my dearest friends.

@cara-x-delevingne​ — mickey, the first person to ever pop into my ims and say hello (and you were FAST about it too, lol), you have been one of my favorite people to write with! the way you breathe a life into your characters is almost unparalleled to any writer, much less any writer in a hwood group. you have such a talent and not only that, you are funny and kind and inclusive and i am so glad that there are people like you (and you) still out there in this world. we need more people like you. thank you for one of the most epic friendships i’ve ever written in a group and always challenging me to step up to the plate and bring my a-game with taylor. you inspire me and i love you. never change.

@armiehmmer​ — graaaaace, the law to my swift! you were actually one of the reasons i joined this rp; before i joined i stalked a few blogs and as i have told you (and you have probably seen via my wildin’ ass on twitter) i love jen, so much. i saw how dedicated you were to your jen and how included she was, which i thought was amazing because like my girl t, some people just aren’t about. i figured if you could put in the effort and grind hard enough with her and get positive results, i could do the same for taylor. and here we both are, killin’ it. you are such a lovely person who has always been nothing but kind, i am still endlessly jealous you were in pasadena for rep tour but we’ll let it slide for now, lol. i love you, thank you for being the epitome of grace in this roleplay. you’re a pure light and the dash is dimmer without you on it.

@jstntimberfake​ — nicki, or should i say, GOD, i don’t know where to begin with you. you are the reason i almost took home a jt standup from 2nd and charles. i love everything that you do on both of your characters. you become them, they stand so far away from the person that you actually are and i think that is the testament of a true, talented writer: they are able to convince you that they’re someone else. and you do, every time. i’m just really, really happy that i get to say that i’m in the same rp group as you because it makes me feel like a Cool Kid on the playground who has light up sneakers. you are so cool and it sometimes lowkey intimidates me, how amazing and talented you are. thank you for always putting a smile on my face. love ya love ya  

@itsscarjo​ — aria, my magnificent love. you are so well spoken and kind and as my clumsy twin, i have no choice but to love you dearly. it’s so nice to just have somebody to talk to sometimes and every time we’ve talked, it’s like being all bundled up in a warm fuzzy blanket. you are so easy to talk to and i cannot wait for the things you and i do on all of our people now that our lives have calmed the heck down and we can come on and write. thank you for being such a spectacular, inviting person. i had several other people sing your praises to me when you joined the group and i can wholeheartedly agree with them. you are one of a kind. big love

@aubreycplaza​ — marissa, i mcfreakin’ adore you. i’ll be honest, i have not had the best experiences with aubreys in the past but that all goes out the window with you. i’m obsessed with you and all of your people, and to know you and get to write with you is an absolute pleasure. thank you for being so much fun to write with, thank you for giving me so much quality stuff to stalk while i’m on the dash and feeling like trash, thank you for being so understanding of me constantly feeling like trash, i adore you. can’t wait for tay and aubrey to finally go on their fuckin girls trip and become little jetsetters together (forevaaaa)

@jamesrodriqez​ — hello stranger idk you but i think you’re pretty cool! and i think that you have been one of the most entertaining, fun people to write with in these last couple of weeks when i feel like i’m barely able to write two sentences that haven’t been written onto a powerpoint that i’m copying off of. you just give me so much excitement about writing and plotting and that excitement is something that can be difficult to find again after you’ve gotten comfortable in a group. thank you for keeping things refreshing and new for me and taylor. i’m excited to get back to all of our fun shenanigans (and to love on your new people bc yes amen) #jandrea forever

@jarpadking​ — nikki! first of all, i’m in awe at how fast you can come up with replies on TWO characters that are so well-crafted and authentic to that person’s voice. i struggle just writing a single coherent reply on taylor half the time, lmao. you are one of the hearts in this group, the way you make it an effort to branch out and talk to every single person and create connections with both the mun and the character. you’re one of the unsung heroes and if we could all be a little more you like you, we’d be the best roleplayers around. love you so much, my dear, and of course, thank you for being so warm and inclusive. people like you are rare

@itskeeoone​ — i have spent all day binging pll because that is how i choose to veg out and every time i see keegan on screen now, i think of you, em. you just write him so wonderfully and truthfully and i don’t ever want to let you go (please don’t ever leave this group or i’ll cry). taylor and keegan have given me all the life, they are very similar people and i’m happy that my 15 year old self’s dreams are coming true by their worlds colliding here in the group. i’m so excited to write even more with you now that the holidays are coming and i’ll actually, y’know, BE AROUND, but yes. love you.

@goddamnjade​ — lucy, you know anybody that is as big into the dance scene as i am HAS to get a spot on this appreciation post ;) but also, you have just been one of the loveliest people ever? i think you’re one of the hearts in this group, the reason that it is why it is and the reason that it’s so warm and welcoming. you are so inclusive and fun to write with and i really hope that i get to talk with you more ooc because i adore youuuu!

@yosebstan​ — rileyyyy, gotta admit, sometimes you intimidate me but it is only because you are an absolute fuckin’ legend in this group, and not just because of your admin status. your characters have something that a lot of people try hard to encompass but can’t ever capture, and that’s longevity. your characters never feel stale, they always feel new and fresh and like real people, not just tropes or over-concentrated personality traits and i get so excited every time i see one of your people on the dash. i’m lucky to be in a group with you, so so lucky. i sometimes hope your natural inclination for rp will rub off on me and make me a better writer. love you, and i really hope we get to do some fun stuff in the future!!

@jpgsasha​ — cami, you and i clicked so fast when we started replying to each other’s stuff back when you still had camila and i cannot WAIT to write with you as my honey sasha (seriously, a fuckin’ plus switch). we had some of the LONGEST replies on the dash at one point but when you’re inspired, you’re inspired! thank you for inspiring me and being one of the most down to earth people in this group. you deserve all the fuckin’ love. please love me so i can give it to you.

@avycias​​ — katieeee!! it legit surprised me to find out how close we are to one another #hurricane watch friends, lol. you are so sweet and your alycia is absolutely legendary, i was biting at the bit to write with you from the minute i joined this group. i hope we get to do all of the things with taylor and alycia because writing with you makes me so happy. you are wildly talented and the way alycia comes to life every time you type something is magical. you write her with a conviction and you make her your own and i think that’s why i adore her so much. thank you for being you. love you much babes

@milesdominic​ — marie! miles and taylor had one of the cutest friendships ever and it needs to make a comeback asap, because 1) that, and 2) writing with you comes so naturally (*plays naturally by selena gomez and the scene*). i barely have to think about what i want to reply to you with because there’s a chemistry there that is hard to replicate; thank you for keeping me on my toes and my brain alert and being such a fun person to write with. you give me the chance to explore sides of taylor’s voice that other people look over and that i love, and that’s all anybody could ask in a writing partner, someone who allows them to run wild!

@blccmtroye​  — fiona, i fuckin’ love your troye. he is too much fun to interact with, and i am thankful that you gave this group a shot (and that you gave me a shot). i couldn’t imagine this place without the wit and the charm that you supply with every single post you make.

@flynnpls​ — marie, i’m just in love with all of your people and you. you’re one of the people i feel like i admire from afar because i stay in awe of the way you write and how effortless it seems to come to you. you balance all of these different personalities with finesse and i really do feel like i’m talking to or reading the words of the actual celebrity in every single reply. i am crossing my fingers that i get the opportunity to write some really incredible things with you here in the future because i have such mad respect for you.

+ to everyone else that i either forgot to mention, have not really formed connections with outside of replies or haven’t had the chance to talk to you/your babies due to my super fun hiatus: i stalk so many of you on the dash and keep up with your plots and where you take your characters and it really and truly is such a privilege to be in the same group as you. they say that birds of a feather flock together and if that’s the case, i am simply a reflection of all the things y’all are. kind, funny, clever, creative, welcoming, intelligent, and a part of something, and i could not ask for more. i love all of you, whether we’ve talked or not (believe me i probably stalk you and just love you from afar) and any time you ever need a friend, call me beep meeeeee. i’m always game to do things with taylor and explore her more through whatever plots or connections we could create, and i promise that if i don’t respond to an im, it’s because i’m off on hiatus or it got eaten. i want to do ALL the things with ALL of you. come hit me up! let me love you! k thanks!!!

obligatory thank you note to my queen taylor alison for existing. love u bitch.

xx, caroline

[animarune]

Hi, I hope you're having a good day/night/other! You don't gotta respond to this or post it at all, but I saw your response to a post about dark circles/acne that just crossed my dash, and felt that op was especially cruel to you (with absolutely no provocation). I've also suffered cystic acne and the scarring it's left behind is immense. The beauty industry does indeed target people with acne (be it a few blemishes or the WHOLE deal) and tries to make them feel like they have to do things in order hide their blemishes, etc. And your experience with acne and whatever negative side effects it has caused because of that are valid and relevant, especially if we're talking about the beauty industry and how we are definitely made to feel less-than by it. By saying the post "wasn't for you" they implied that beauty standards regarding clear skin don't affect you in the same way that they affect people with LESS acne and that's just not true at all. It's also very ok if you feel like you have to do something to manage your acne, it can be so painful, I feel you I really do. Idk I don't see a lot of positivity for acne, let alone cystic acne, so when you got thrown to the wayside there I felt like I needed to let you know that I heard you, understood you, and don't think you meant any harm. That's all. Again, hope all is well for you!

I... anon I'm speechless, thank you so much for reaching out, for your kind words, and your empathy! It was very sweet of you, and definitely brightened my morning to read!

I'm feeling better after they explained, and I could let go of the confusion and anxiety that I fucked up and didn't know how. I didn't agree 100% with their explanation, sure, and it definitely chafed that they insisted I knew what I'd done, but I feel like I did owe them an apology for the harm I unintentionally caused by making it about me, by fixating on a minor detail, when the bigger point they were making was about harmful beauty standards. And I could finally let it go from my ADHD brain's thought spirals lol

I forget sometimes that reblogged comments show up in the notes for everyone to see, and not just on my blog for myself and friends to see lol I could have just vagueblogged about it instead or something haha

"By saying the post "wasn't for you" they implied that beauty standards regarding clear skin don't affect you in the same way that they affect people with LESS acne and that's just not true at all."

Y'know that feeling when you don't realize you've been insulted until someone points it out to you? 😅

I also didn't really get the whole "you don't have acne, you have normal skin" and then telling me, who has acne, that my skin is a condition they weren't talking about... Like yes, some acne is normal, and I have "some acne" sometimes, (as opposed to full breakouts/cystic acne). But more importantly, even telling someone who has a normal amount of acne, that they don't have acne, they have normal skin-- it doesn't make much sense to me. Like damn I wish you were right. Just explicitly say "some acne is normal" not "you don't have acne" if that's what you mean to say

---

Anyway, again, I really appreciate you taking the time to validate and empathize with me like this! I'm not a very good judge of when hostility aimed at me is deserved, and I'm even worse when it is deserved because I can't tell if the amount is appropriate.

I was alright before, but you've raised my spirits even more and I'm grateful for it 💜🖤💚

[mon-qi]

I asked about Lapis Lazuli bc you post a lot of Jasper and anti lapis and many Jasper fans hate lapis and idk why. People always love one and hate the other I believe, but I'm glad you don't hate Lapis or are a rabid Jasper stan.

Hi Anon! Thank you for clarifying.

First - and some of this may be subjective terminology, I know - I want to get this out of the way:

“rabid” and “stan” are pretty negative and not very helpful terms IMO, so I don’t like using them or seeing them used in general.I’m assuming you meant well so no offense taken, but saying “I’m not as bad as others” just sounds like a backhanded compliment at the expense of people I do not even know, and I won’t have that.

I do not post “Anti” content of anything.I reblog (and sometimes post) content that is critical. This is not the same thing.

That said:

Yes, I do post a lot more about Jasper than Lapis. I’m currently more interested in Jasper, and follow a lot of Jasper-centric blogs so that happens naturally.I’d definitely reblog more nice Lapis content if I saw more of it on my dash, just as I would reblog Jasper-critical posts if I saw any good ones!

That’s just the thing though:

Not just on tumblr but everywhere on the web, the majority of opinions and posts about Jasper is negative, and about Lapis is positive.

People may say “But isn’t that to be expected? Since Jasper is an antagonist after all!”Well, it kinda is, but also isn’t.

I believe that a huge chunk of the audience has the interpretation of these two characters wrong.I also believe that this is partly intentional, but may have taken a wrong turn in the fandom.

Consider this:

- Yes, Jasper was introduced as an antagonist.

Actually, so was Lapis, but the difference here is that Steven accepted her as a friend even before that.

We are watching the show from Steven’s perspective.

Jasper and Lapis roughly match typical “good guy” and “bad guy” visuals.

SU is a show that LOVES to subvert tropes and clichés.

SU is also a show about love and the creator said there are no classic “villains”.

Enemies have been humanized while learning more about how imperfect the heroes are has been an ongoing theme.

All these things considered it just doesn’t make sense to view Jasper and Lapis alone as examples of a black/white morality dichotomy.However, I think that a lot of the audience has gotten stuck with just that initial impression or just going along with Steven’s judgement.I may of course be wrong here but I am very convinced that we’re supposed to INITIALLY take these characters at the most basic face value and their initial impression - just like Steven did - and with the plot advancing, to realize that situations and characters are actually way more complicated than that - just like Steven does.

I like the idea of this, but I’m feeling it has fallen flat for many people, at least at the moment. On one hand, a lot of people probably aren’t expecting this and just not SEEING it. On the other hand, the slow pacing of the show, putting both characters on the backburner for a long time and the added irregular airing schedule by CN don’t help either.

If my interpretation here is correct and we’ll see some more development exploring the complexity of these two (mostly, Steven learning about and accepting it), then I think it was a cool choice, even if it’s a risky one that’s currently irritating to some fans.If my interpretation is incorrect and the good/evil status quo holds up for just these two characters for some strange reason, I’ll be pretty heavily disappointed.But for now, I have faith that this won’t happen.

Anyway.My point is, there are a lot of extreme and plain wrong opinions on Lapis and Jasper out there, lacking a lot of nuance and overexaggerating present flaws and good things, as well as making up completely new ones that don’t make sense in canon. Jasper is often demonized while Lapis is treated as infallible and both depictions are disservices to the characters.

A lot of this is probably due to these two being pitted against each other in canon via Malachite (a scene that came shortly after Jasper’s introduction where her stereotypical villain image was still very fresh) and people having very different takeaways, interpretations and responses to that - many of them extremely personal and that is okay but also a recipe for getting out of hand easily, fueling a lot of heated discussion at best and screaming matches at worst.That’s a likely reason why many people don’t seem to be able to like both characters. This isn’t an universal truth at all though - I know people who really like both Lapis AND Jasper.

I don’t want to support polarized opinions but encourage people to look at things and characters in more nuanced ways, because that’s what I think was the intent and it just makes the characters and story way more compelling and rewarding. I didn’t care much for either character at first but now I’m really eager to learn more about both, along with Steven. That is why I’m here for critical posts, if they’re well thought-out and comply with canon. I hope this clarified some things for you.If it didn’t and you want to discuss it further, feel free to send me another message!

[dorianpavus]

WELL FOLKS sorry i haven’t been around i’ve been super busy with work!!! here’s some updates!!!!

work updates!! d&d updates (the irl campaign, not the internet one)!!!

work life has been.... really rough the past few days!!!!!! like. damn. i’ve made some great friends at work (one of my friends was saying how he thinks i was like Meant To Be In His Life and he says he’s never met anyone as Good as me or as Unique as me and while i don’t agree i’m so honored and happy he thinks so u know he’s wonderful!!!! gosh!!!)

buuuuuuuuut.... like ok. i was scheduled for a clopen shift last night and today. so like, 4pm-12ish and then 8:00am-4ish, which i was already pretty bummed about. and then i found out that the person who was supposed to do the Operator shift (which involves a lot of work) the day before me color coded the hangers instead of.......... doing her job............. on a saturday............................. so i had to do an entire weekend’s worth of work this morning. and i knew that was coming, and i was already like GOD. WHY. a clopen and this?

but then saturday night, last night... there’s a new closing manager. he just got promoted. i didn’t know anything about him really, but i’d heard my team say how much they all hated him just from working with him in the past, and i guess he was brand new at the management position and Really Fucking Intense because he wanted everything to be perfect. but like i was focused in my areas and making them look super good (even on a saturday night which isn’t easy lol), except for like the diaper aisle which is always a little messy bc it gets ransacked. but i had put everything away and it looked like... fine lol. and the infants food aisle has been messy for like months bc it would take hours alone to fix so like.... no one ever has hours just to clean it. so it stays that way and has been that way 5ever. we keep it as clean as we can but like... it’s not Perfect looking. not bad, but not Perfect, and that’s the way it literally ALWAYS IS.

WELL. the new manager is from a different department and he has NEVER been over in my department. until now. and at the end of the night after the store closed he came running over and was like absolutely frantic and angry and was like WHO HAD INFANTS????????????? and i was like, um... me? very confused? and he was like, in front of everyone as we’re about to clock out, DID YOU NOT FINISH WTF HAPPENED?????? WHY IS IT SUCH A MESS?????

and i was really confused cause my area was like. pristine. and i even finished early and helped out in another area of the store. like. what???? so i thought maybe a customer had spilled something as they were leaving the store and i had somehow missed it? so as everyone else leaves he forces me to go back to infants with him and he’s like pointing at some of the diapers that are like. slightly askew or not Perfectly Straight and he’s like yelling at me like “WTF!!!!! DOES THIS LOOK DONE TO YOU?????????”

and i’m just looking at him in utter confusion cause like.... he has CLEARLY never ever worked softlines, lmao. but i was like in my head, honestly? yes, it does? like it could be zoned a little more, definitely!! but it’s not like... bad looking at all? at all? like my main boss from my department walked my areas all night and she said they looked good, so idk wtf he was on, but he was FREAKING OUT. because he was just promoted, and so he needed everything to be like factory-perfect because he wanted to look good in front of the store manager, who he’s super intimidated by.

well. lol. i was being super nice to him, and letting him yell at me, and like, “yeah, of course! this should be neater, i’m sorry, it was really busy tonight and i didn’t get to spend as much time back here as i would have liked.” which is true. like 98% of my areas were pristine, and 2% were average. lmao, so i still did a great job, but i was trying to be sympathetic to the fact that he was new and nervous and wanted to make a good impression, even if he was kind of treating me like crap. so i let him keep me at work after everyone else left and helped tidy up those two aisles that he was sooooo upset about, and then he had me leave and go do some of his work for him up at the front. and i was standing up there really upset that he had yelled at me over nothing and then made me stay at work alone and do his work for him when one of the other managers saw me up there as she was leaving and she was like ?????? katie???????// what are you doing here?????????????

and i was like “soandso is having me do this for him...” and she was like WTF!!! get outta here!!!!! go home clock out u don’t have to do that. like leave!!!!!

so i did, and i got home and was kind of upset still (i cried like the second i left the store lol) and was like pretty glum about it all (and dreading my opening shift that was now less than 8 hours away with a whole weekend’s worth of work waiting for me, yay!!!).... and then i couldn’t sleep. like i couldn’t sleep that night so i just DIDN’T SLEEP AT ALL. AT. ALL. not for a minute. before i had to go back to the store.

so i get there in the morning, and i’m trying really hard to be positive and put that behind me. like, that was last night, you’re tired af but you can do this katie!!!!!! it’s ok!!!! you got this!!! and i actually started to cheer up because i was BLAZING through all my piles of work and like........... got all of it done and it was making me super happy that i had singlehandedly caught my department back up to speed and everything.... and i was just like i’m good!!!!!!! i got this!!!!!!!! 

......... and then at 2:30pm my sorta-boss came in. a lower ranking boss, the one who had been there with me the night before and had confirmed that there hadn’t been anything wrong with my areas, CERTAINLY nothing warranting the new manager’s hysterics. and she was like omg katie..... he is TELLING EVERYONE, like ALL THE HIGHER UPS, that my area was a DISASTER last night and saying how he had to stay late and clean it all up (not mentioning that i stayed and helped him tilt diaper boxes so they were perfectly aligned in my area since that was sooooo~~~ terrible~~~~, or how i did his job stuff for him, lmao), and saying how i had apparently told him i “don’t zone HBA” as in i literally supposedly told my boss that i never do my job???????????? because that is completely believable????????

but the worse part is is that a bunch of the store managers believed him. lol. even though he’s literally fabricating things i said and exaggerating and twisting this situation just to make himself look good. over something super fucking insignificant... and when my boss came up to bat for me and was like WHAT?????????? her areas were fine i checked them myself!!!!!!!!! and he had her stay and tidy it up anyway with him too, it’s not like she left and he had to clean up some imaginary mess of hers!!!! and she helped him do his stuff!!!!! and she would neeeeeeever have said that, and i asked her, and she swears she didn’t anyway!!!!!!!

and i was like... <333333 thank u!!!!!!!! but the other store manger she was defending me to was like... in one ear and out the other. and all, like, “well, soandso said that she said that. so she must have.” despite everything that my boss was saying to defend me. and pointing out that he was LITERALLY LYING. like 2 ppls words against his, but he’s the higher ranking manager, so clearly he’s telling the truth. ughhhhhh.

well when i found out that he was telling my whole place of employment that i was apparently terrible at my job and a terrible person who doesn’t give a fuck about my job here i got pretty upset!!! especially after no sleep!!! and i hadn’t had anything to eat all day!!! like actually nothing!! so like it’s towards the end of my shift and i start like tearing up hiding in the room adjacent to the fitting room and trying to get myself to calm down...

and then my friend (the one who said those nice things 2 me, the security guard i love so much!!!) came by and he was like WHY ARE YOU CRYING??????? and like super upset that i was upset, and he was trying to calm me down/figure out what was wrong/help but it was so so embarrassing to be crying in front of him godddddd, like AT WORK crying. jesus.

and then another coworker of mine saw me crying too. and now another coworker of mine just messaged me on FB saying he heard about everything and he’s furious on my behalf (which i’m really happy there’s ppl on my side here and some people believe me...) and stuff but i’m like 100% positive the fact that i was crying has probably made its way around work which i’m just... so humiliated by

god. i have tomorrow off work so i’m looking forward to not being there because it’s kind of making me miserable right now. like who does that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the area looked fucking fine, why are you trying to make this huge thing and throw me under the bus just for.. what? to make yourself look like... a self-sacrificing person? a leader who will do anything for the store? idk. it’s so shitty!!!!

but whatever. :(

i was also SUPER SUPER tired cause after work i had to run home and go straight into my first d&d session, like our actual playing!!!

and omg!!!! omg friends it’s sooooo fuuuun!!!!! just.... i forgot all my exhaustion and bad work things and was just elated while i was playing. it’s the BEST. and i rolled like a million natural 20s and played super smart!!!!!!!!! asra is killin it!!!!!!!!!!! :3

anyway it’s now 2:47 am and despite like an accidental 10 minute nap i had on the couch when i got home from d&d  i’m still awake. it’s been so long since i slept lol???. and my brother bought me like an entire pizza to cheer me up???????? lmao. also cause i went like 24 hours without food which was..... bad. god. what a horrible no good dirty rotten day this was. except for d&d. d&d was amazing.

anyway. i’m gonna go put away my leftovers and pet my kitty and then watch critical role as i drift off. :) 

sorry i haven’t been around much!!! or posting much!! my dash has been pretty MIA lately too which doesn’t help. i’ll try and get a queue up and running. i love u all and i hope things are goin well in ur lives too!!! <333333333

[specsnsarcasm]

I Tried... the DivaCup!

I finally broke down and got a DivaCup! I’ve been wanting to get one for years (so that I can start womaning in the zombie apocalypse)!

(WARNING: This post discusses anatomy and physiology, namely menstrual periods. If this makes you squeamish, then go and have a cookie while the grown folks are talking. Language, at times, nsfw].  

Menstruating Michonne is sick of the Governor’s shit.

A DivaCup is a pretty big investment for something that you can’t try out beforehand, and that you’re not even sure you’ll be able to use! At $40 CAD, they’re usually freakin' expensive, but they were on sale at my local drugstore for $32 (so only just kind of freakin' expensive. lol). In the past, I wasn’t ready to commit to a DivaCup, so I tried the much cheaper “Softcups” ($5 for a pack of 5) to get a feel for the ease of use and comfort of a menstrual cup. The two are slightly different animals (more on that later). I should mention that I’m typically a pad girl. I’ve used tampons before, but I don’t find them comfortable. And with a heavy flow, I like the security and relative no fuss of pads.

Before I purchased the Diva, I read some testimonies. Many said it was difficult to get the hang of; however, I figured with my Softcup experience it wouldn’t be that bad, so I set to task.

The principle behind a Softcup and the DivaCup is the same: you fold it, insert it, it catches your menstrual fluid inside the body, and you empty it later. However, where they do this differs slightly. The opening of the DivaCup is much smaller than that of the Softcup because the DivaCup is meant to suction around the cervix (where menstrual fluid leaks from), whereas the Softcup is just meant to sit further down (in the vagina) and catch the fluid there. It’s like catching water from a dipping tap right at the tap itself vs in the sink. Also, Softcups are disposable, whereas DivaCup is reusable.

The DivaCup is made of soft silicone that is roughly the consistency of the hardest part of your ear cartilage. It's more structured than the Softcup, which is essentially just a plastic baggie attached to a Livestrong bracelet. lol. Because the Softcup is more flexible, I found it easier to insert. You kind of have to hook your fingers on the underside of the baggie (”cup”) and pull the lip of the ring forward so that it catches and rests inside, at the edge of your pubic bone. If it’s tilted or not level, including when you sit/lie down/move, it’s more prone to leaks, but since it is a cheaper product, I figured it was a bit of a compromise anyway.  

There is no “hooking” and “catching” with the DivaCup. You fold it, insert, push it back, let go, and the suction holds it in place. You can squeeze it again to re-position/re-suction it, until it’s sealed around your cervix. There are four small air holes under the rim of the cup to make sure the suction can be released (so you don’t have to worry about it getting stuck!).    

The first time I tried it (Day 1 of my period), I was elated that I seemed to “get it” on the first try! Don’t get me wrong - it wasn’t easy or instantly comfortable. I kept checking incessantly throughout the day, to see how full the cup was getting, and/or if I was leaking (I really had no idea about volume or rate of menstrual fluid I was producing because I was used to it all just disappearing into a pad). Each time I tried to reinsert, it seemed to get less and less comfortable, and into a worse position. The stem that you use to pull it out (picture a long stem of a funnel) kept rubbing uncomfortably against my opening. It wasn’t until later, when I read the instructions better, that I saw you could actually cut it shorter to reduce irritation (tip: DO THIS!!!).

One of the major selling points of the DivaCup is that you can wear it for up to 12 hours without the fear of toxic shock syndrome (TSS) that is often associated with long wear and super-absorbent tampons (Note: beware of abrasions during insertion/removal, however, as the staph bacteria that causes TSS can enter the bloodstream this way). It seemed easiest to re-position in the shower, and I wore it to bed that night. The next day when I woke up, I was looking forward to not having to do the morning mad-dash to the loo. (You know the one: dashing to the bathroom for fear of the mega tsunami that will occur as a result of suddenly standing up). There wasn’t the usual monsoon, but there was some leakage, which was somewhat disappointing (thank goodness for the back-up pad!). I initially thought that with the DivaCup, I’d only *maybe* need a pantyliner. NOPE! Especially not when you’re first figuring things out. As with the “Softies”, I was never really sure it was in the right place. Sometimes it *felt* like it was, but I’d leak! Other times, it felt uncomfortable and I was sure it wasn’t in the right place, but it was! It took me a few days to realize that additional manoeuvring and using a finger to feel 360* all the way around (to make sure it was sealed) was almost ALWAYS needed. Just hoping that it will “pop” into the right place (like the instructions say) won’t cut it, no matter how comfortable it feels. Sometimes it stays folded in a kidney-bean shape inside you, without unfolding (e.g. when its not in the right place, and is not around the cervix, but rather in front or behind it). But it NEEDS to open up all the way into “O” shape so that it can fit flush around/against the cervix, and the fluid doesn’t spill over the caved side.

PROS: 

F*cking Freedom!!! Today is Day 3 of my period (a heavy day). I sat through a 3 hour lecture, two 2 hour bus rides, lunch with a friend, and DID NOT LEAK for 9 hours!!! Eventually, I leaked after that. I should have emptied WELL before the 9 hours, but my guy friend was waiting for me outside the loo at the restaurant, and I didn’t want to take it out in a public restroom, and risk either dropping it the toilet OR not being able to put it back in correctly (time & ease of use are definite CONS for a beginner).      

No un-suctioning. With the Softcup, the opening of the ring had a tendency to shift when I sat down. Although I was worried that this would happen with the DivaCup, if it was properly positioned, it didn’t shift.   

No smell. Unlike pads, which can smell like the decaying carcass of some animal (sorry! lol), there is NO smell whatsoever! Seriously! I got all up in that business to check! (Hey! I’m doing this for you, people! lol).

Cleaner feel*. You feel cleaner both because of the lack of smell, and because you don’t have to feel wet fluids against your skin, like a diaper. *However, it is messier on your hands (see: below). 

Saving money. Reusing it will hopefully save me $$$, long term.

Environmentally friendly. I generally like to think of myself as an environmentally conscious person. I recycle, take public transport, reduce water consumption, etc. However, when it comes to my period, I’m NOT f^cking around!! lol. Before, I didn’t really think about how much waste my (plastic) pads were generating because periods were an unavoidable evil and they were a necessity, not a luxury. Besides, you mean to tell me that I’m required to bleed and feel generally shitty for almost a quarter of every damn month until I’m 50, and now you want me to wear some rough, natural hemp, Cherokee hair tampon (South Park reference) bullsh- that costs twice as much, and protects HALF as well??! F^ck you! Luckily, a menstrual cup is a positive solution to cutting waste without having to compromise on protection or comfort.

Fewer Cramps! I know. Before you call “bullsh*t”, hear me out. It seems highly unlikely that the method in which you catch your menstrual blood has anything to do with what’s going on in your uterus. But for some reason my cramps weren’t as bad with the cup! Especially in the first three days (usually the worst). They’re certainly not gone altogether, but there were fewer, and less severe. Maybe it has something to do with the suction against your cervix? Or maybe its the cup forcing the vagina to retain its shape? Not allowing your bowels to kick you from inside? idk. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. 

The Gross factor. This might be a “con” for some people, and maybe I’m just a gross weirdo,  but I find it so incredibly satisfying to see your cup fill up. I don’t know why! Maybe it’s because it has always been kind of a mystery to me before - always disappearing into pads or tampons, but it’s fascinating to see how much your body produces, and see the “blood” so neatly collected in its unadulterated state. When I take out a full cup, I feel like a Druid priestess ready to spill a chalice of blood into the dirt in some primeval ritual (See? I am a weirdo! lol). Joking aside, it did make me more familiar with my period, if that makes sense. It’s no longer disappearing, out of sight, out of mind. You’re forced to confront it.

Easy to clean. I rinsed it whenever I emptied it, if a sink or dedicated water bottle was available, washed it once a day (usually in the shower), with a little mild soap. There is a special DivaWash that you can buy, but I find there’s no need. At the end of my cycle, I got a small pot that I never used for anything else, boiled my cup to sanitize it, dried it, and stored it away until next month in the cute little pouch that came with it!      

CONS:

Time & Ease of use. As a beginner, it's pretty cumbersome to put in at first. On the first day, I spent so much time in the loo adjusting and re-adjusting that both my mother AND my cousin independently remarked how much time I was spending in the bathroom (which is pretty embarrassing). I mean - they’re women too, so they understand, but in general, when people wonder why you’re spending so much time in the bathroom, it’s a THING! haha.

The Confidence Factor. The DivaCup is a bit tricky to get the hang of at first, and until you do, you never feel entirely secure. Expect to use back-up pads. With pads, you can feel whether or not you’re catching fluid (or leaking), but here, you’re letting gravity work, and kind of just hoping (and praying) that the cup in the right place doing its job. To add, sometimes you might think you’re leaking because there’s blood when you wipe or in your underwear. But it could just be the left over blood that has dripped down into the vagina while the cup was removed. It’s NOT free-falling blood. (This frustrated me for a while and I kept reinserting, thinking I was doing something wrong until I figured this out). Two things will happen at first: 1) Either you’ll constantly check to reassure yourself that it’s working, OR 2) You’ll think you’re secure when you’re NOT and will find out the hard way that it’s not in the right place. 

(R’uh r’oh). 

Initial cost. I’m hoping that this will pay for itself in a few months; especially when I get the hang of it and no longer need to wear back-up pads. It’s an investment, and as such, it can be a bit painful (financially) on the front end. However, in the mean time I am currently using two menstrual products (though I don’t have to replace the pads as often). 

Discomfort #1. The first discomfort comes when you insert the Cup. Even when I roll it/squeeze it/fold it into the tiniest folded kidney-bean shape it can go, the Diva is painful. It’s kind of too big for my opening (I know! my *vagine* is a dainty, delicate little treasure that’s only big enough to fit secrets and unicorn smiles. Haha). So I kind of have to force it a little, which hurts. If I tilt it so that I ease it in at an angle, the cup doesn’t pop into the place, so I kind of have to choose between a good fit OR no initial pain (which is no f*cking choice at all!). Before you ask: yes, I’m relaxed when I insert; no, I’m not clenching. Wetting the rim of the cup with water before insertion helps, and you can always re-position it inside later. 

Discomfort #2. The second discomfort, I’ve mentioned, comes from the stem rubbing against the vaginal opening. This is a BIG discomfort! Ideally, the stem is not supposed to touch anything. This is true when you’re standing, and it’s flexible, so it bends when you sit. However, it’s quite long (to allow you to hold it for removal), and it’s ribbed for better grip. Fine. However, this causes it to rub against the lower vaginal opening (aka the fourchette, or frenulum of labia minora). It’s quite irritating & distracting (though less-so, the higher it sits). If you cut the stem, it’s much better, imo.

Discomfort #3. When the cup is TOO full (i.e. brimming), it kind of feels like an ache inside you, like a cramp. I suspect this is from the weight of the full cup pulling down on your cervix. It’s a minor difference your body picks up on. You’ll definitely become more aware of it the more used to it you get, then you'll probably want to hightail-it to the loo, because spillage is imminent! Just don’t let it get too full (if you can help it).

Mess. This is a BIG one too, and it goes hand in hand with the #1 CON on my list: “time/ease of use”. Emptying the cup is a bloody mess! (yes, pun intended. Haha). When I’m at home in my bathroom, or somewhere where there’s a personal sink or water bottle beside me, it’s less of a problem. However, in a public bathroom, it’s a bit of a balancing act. Removing the cup can be messy depending on how full it is when you release the suction, you have to empty the cup into the toilet without spilling, your hands WILL get messy. (No matter how skilled you are, a DivaCup will come for your manicure! There will be blood. Heads up. Wash your hands), you have to try not to drop the cup in the toilet, you have to clean yourself up, and wipe the cup down so that you can reinsert it. It’s less messy if you are able to rinse before re-insertion, otherwise you’re kind of coming at this bloody from both sides, to paint a not so delicate picture. 

Difficulty peeing. After working so hard to get my cup in the right position, I’m not too eager to go through the entire process all over again every time have to pee. Yes, you can pee with the cup in (nbd); however, I found that it takes longer to empty my bladder. My stream is weaker even if I really have to go! It might be because there’s a rigid object physically taking up real-estate where there wasn’t before, pressing against things and thus constricting the flow. But you can always take the cup out to pee too, if you prefer. It’s not a big deal, just worth noting. 

Anatomy. This is not really a CON for me, but I realize it might be for some people, especially those who haven’t really explored their bodies yet. I think everyone should know their bodies, at least from an anatomical perspective. Know the location and function of: your cervix, vagina, vulva, labia (majora and minora), clitoris, urethra, etc. There’s nothing shameful about knowing about your nose or eye! These are parts of your anatomy and physiology too! And a matter of your health! You’d be surprised how many people still don’t know their own equipment. No judgement. BUT if you are the product of a failed sex-ed system, or parents who were too embarrassed to teach you, try to take it upon yourself to get informed. Know what you’re talking about so that people who DON’T own your equipment can’t try to tell you what to do with it (another topic for another day)! I know that not everybody is comfortable with it. I wasn’t when I was younger! For the longest time, nothing went UP, which is why tampons weren’t my favourite! Anyway, with the DivaCup, you definitely have to become comfortable with putting a finger inside your vagina and feeling to make sure things are secure.

 Final Thoughts: 

I had high hopes for the DivaCup. Initially, I (rather naively) believed that it would put an end to ALL of my period woes in the same way that I erroneously thought that “going natural” would free me from bad hair for the rest of my life (HA!). I just traded one set of problems for another. Alas, there are no easy answers! There are pros and cons to everything. This is only my first period with the DivaCup, and as with everything, there’s a learning curve. I suspect it’ll get much easier with time.

I’m not trying to discourage people from using this product. And I’m sorry if I’m making it sound overly complicated. It isn’t, really! I’m just trying to be thorough, and report on my personal experience, so that I can help someone who is thinking of buying it, or who is having the same experiences as I am to know they’re not alone. I’ll just say that it is important to keep trying to find out what works for you. Don’t just use the same products that your mother got you for your first period because it’s familiar! Experiment! Find out if there’s something better! 

Good luck! <3

(Note: This is just my own personal experience. I have no medical expertise, no ties to the company, and did not receive any compensation for writing about these products. I know there are other menstrual cups out there that may work just as well, if not better! Do your research and find out what’s right for you!).

Month two with my Diva: Things are SO much easier! I got the hang of it right away again. I was worried I had forgotten all I had learned the previous month, but I found that I was actually excited for my period to come, just so I could practice (wtf, right?)! You can’t really practice when you’re not on your period because the shape of your uterus changes when your on vs. off your period (it hangs lower), so it’s not really the same shape or fit.  BUT so far:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TWO MONTH UPDATE:

No accidents.

No leaks. 

Yes, back-up pad... for now (what am I, nuts?!). 

I cut the ENTIRE stem off. Game. Changer. The instructions say an inch or whatever, but f^ck that!  

Tomorrow is day 3 of my period. I might even do just the cup + a liner! Check me out! I like to live dangerously.

If I can do this, you can too. You’ve got this! <3